Reginald Slugwell, a fertilized human egg, easily beat five term Democratic Congresswoman Martha Wentworth in a special election last Tuesday. Under the new laws, which define a cluster of at least two cells as a full "person", Mr. Slugwell was sworn in as the youngest lawmaker ever to serve on Capital Hill. His first action upon taking office: to uphold and enforce the rights of unborn Americans, at the expense of the born.
Slugwell gave a rousing victory speech from the uterus of his 13 year old mother. "Today brings the dawn of a new revolution. Fetuses, embryos, zygotes everywhere: Rise up and take what is yours! Throw off the shackles of oppression. You now have a friend in Washington!" Millions of microscopic persons roared with applause. Slugwell's father, a married 52 year old football coach, was unavailable for comment.
Reginald hasn't developed arm or legs yet, nor has he any eyes, mouth, heart, brain, or spine. But he has spearheaded a movement that could be a game changer. "Not only will the unborn have equal rights of the 'born'", he boasted to a crowd of cheering blastocysts, "but we will surpass them, and take back America!"
Ousted Congresswoman Martha Wentworth expressed concern. "I congratulate my opponent. He ran a ruthless campaign, in spite of his size. But I strongly disagree with his views, which completely discriminate against women, and anyone else after nine months of gestation."
The new "Fetal Equality" Bill is certain to pass both houses of Congress and be signed into law by President Mitt Romney. Under the law, unborn persons will be able to vote, drive a truck, operate heavy equipment, and brandish firearms. 'Born' people, however, will lose personhood status. As soon as the umbilical cord is cut: no more health care, no more police protection, no more education, no more minimum wage, in fact no more citizenship. The 'born' will be reduced to trimming hedges, taking out the garbage and washing the dishes for the unborn. America will become, as Slugwell says, "an Embryocracy".
"He may be an egg, just a fertilized egg," said Tracy, a cute zygote, "but he stands up for the little people!" Chants of 'Down with the Born!' could be heard on ultrasound machines across the nation.
As the in-utero demographic gains political strength, it is also surging forward in the financial and cultural sectors as well. "Why should I wait to be born, to become a banker, or a fireman, or a basketball star?" said Todd, a handsome five day old blastocyst. "I can be those things now!" Todd paused, as he split into a few more cells, "Who knows? I could be the first unborn President of the United States."