Reginald Slugwell, a fertilized human egg, easily beat five-term Democratic Congresswoman Martha Wentworth in a special election last Tuesday. Under the new laws, which define a cluster of at least two cells as a full "person", Mr. Slugwell was sworn in as the youngest lawmaker ever to serve on Capitol Hill. His first action upon taking office: to uphold and enforce the rights of fertilized eggs.

Slugwell gave a rousing victory speech from the uterus of his teenage mother. "Today brings the dawn of a new revolution. Fetuses, embryos, zygotes everywhere: Rise up and take what is yours! Throw off the shackles of oppression. You now have a friend in  the womb in Washington!" Millions of microscopic persons roared with applause. Slugwell's father, a married 52-year-old married football coach, was unavailable for comment.

Reginald hasn't developed arms or legs yet, nor has he any eyes, mouth, heart, brain, or spine. But he has spearheaded a movement that could be a game-changer. "Not only will the fertilized eggs have equal rights of the 'born'," he boasted to a crowd of cheering blastocysts, "but we will surpass them, and take back America!"

Ousted Congresswoman Martha Wentworth expressed concern. "I congratulate my opponent. He ran a ruthless campaign, in spite of his size. But I strongly disagree with his views, which completely discriminate against women, and anyone else after nine months of gestation."

The new "Fetal Supremacy" Bill is certain to pass both houses of Congress and be upheld by the Extreme Court. Under the law, fertilized eggs will be able to vote, drive a truck, operate heavy equipment, and discharge firearms however they please. "Born" people, however, will lose personhood status. As soon as the umbilical cord is cut: no more health care, no more police protection, no more education, no more minimum wage, no more citizenship.

The "born" will be reduced to prostitution, trimming hedges, taking out the garbage and washing the dishes for fertilized eggs. America will become, as Slugwell promises, "an Embryocracy".

"He may just be a fertilized egg," said Tracy, another fertilized egg, "but he stands up for the little people!" Chants of "Down with the Born!" could be heard on ultrasound machines across the nation.

As the in-utero demographic gains political strength, it is also surging forward in the financial and cultural sectors as well. "Why should I wait to be born, to become a banker, or a fireman, or a basketball star?" said Todd, a handsome cluster of cells. "I can be those things now!" Todd paused, as he split into a few more cells, "Who knows? One day I could be the first fetal President of the United States." 
Anti News ©2018/2022 Chris Hume 

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