Is 3D cinema making you yawn? Is IMAX with triple deluxe surround sound putting you to sleep? It's time to hit the ground bleeding with SPLATTERAMA - the ultimate in-your-face violence experience!
Why spend $13.50 for a movie ticket, only to be bored to death, when for a few dollars more you can be GORED to death... right in the comfort of your own seat!
"I got punched in the face!" said Slim Hickshaw as he emerged from the movie. "I was reclining in the darkness, slurping my 44oz Dr. Pepper when a big hairy fist burst off the screen and shattered my nose in three places! There was blood and nachos everywhere. It was awesome!"
"The guy next to me got eviscerated by a chainsaw tonight!" said excited movie fan Jared Slothman. "Last week I lost three fingers and a testicle when piranhas exploded off the movie screen into my lap."
"Audiences are just getting harder to please. If you don't get bloodied, maimed, or killed, then it's not cinema," said Splatterama CEO Vince Balducci. "A good screenplay or an Oscar-worthy performance isn't enough. Audiences want to get run over by a bus, chopped into little pieces and set on fire, or fed to a tank of voracious sharks while being stung by thousands of mutant bees. This is the new face of entertainment! Or trauma-tainment, as we like to call it."
The Splatterama theatre is outfitted with cutting edge violence technology: Authentic human fists punch out from the seat back in front of you. Flamethrowers are embedded in the walls. Samurai swords whirl at your face. Ceiling panels open up, releasing shards of broken glass, sharks, hornets, or globs of molten magma, depending on the storyline.
Old-timers are less than thrilled about SPLATTERAMA. "What happened to the simple well-told story?" said film buff Douglass Avallone. "I don't need to be vaporized or dismembered to enjoy a night out at the movies!" For an extra fifty dollars, customers can wear body armor and splash guards for a safer, more traditional movie-going experience.
Old classic films are even being 'retrofitted' with SPLATTERAMA. Now you can re-experience Jaws, A Clockwork Orange or even Silence of the Lambs at closer range than you ever wanted. "Nothing beats being eaten alive while guzzling that Slurpy," said horribly injured movie fan Emma Pippins.
Coming soon: viewers will be able to download an app that will allow them to be horribly injured or killed in the privacy of their own home. Home-Splatterama will be available by Christmas.
"I keep coming back for more!' said Splatterama mega-fan Tag Bossman. "The popcorn always tastes better when you're being riddled with bullets!"
Anti News ©2014 Chris Hume
ONE HUNDRED EPISODES!