For the 239th year in a row, America did its annual touchdown dance on England's face. Beer kegs and barbecues filled backyards from sea to shining sea, in honor of our totally busting England's ass sideways and telling them who's their Daddy.
As anti-England frenzy swept the nation, customers shopped with patriotic fervor. "I got to Costco too late and they were already out of dynamite and stars 'n stripes napkins," said disappointed mother Jolene Talbert. "So I'm making my own 'SCREW ENGLAND' banner, and hanging it off my balcony."
"You've got to taste my "England Sucks!" cupcakes," said Marsha Elwell of Dandridge, Tennessee. "They're red, white and blue, to celebrate our undisputed smackdown of England back in 17-whatever. Plus they have a red velvet bacon center!"
The United Kingdom actually has no grudge about losing. "Okay, so you beat us fair and square," said a stoic yet chipper England. "But that was 239 years ago. Get over it."
"We'll get over it when Hell freezes over!" exclaimed angry white guy Chest Barrelman. "We hung your pale butts out to dry, then we rubbed your faces in it! God chose us over you!" Chest Barrelman celebrated by eating another Screw England hot dog with his Coors Lite.
Fears that England may attack again, and try to retake its former colonies have fired up a lot of patriotic Americans. Edwin Boozler of Hawgsville, Ohio built a double-reinforced bunker complete with gun turrets and a 5-year food supply. "I'm fully prepared for those Redcoats." said Boozler, "They've been lying in wait for 239 years, and I'm the only one who is Redcoat-ready." Boozler will greet the Redcoats wearing a giant Uncle Sam costume complete with stove pipe hat and sparklers shooting out of the top.
Overall, the United States and its former owner, England, enjoy friendly diplomatic relations. However, the annual tradition of setting off fireworks to re-enact the terrible and gory battles of the American Revolution always puts a strain on the two nations' normally good ties. A fireworks display over Tulsa, Oklahoma exploded the words: BUNKER HILL! NEVER FORGET!
The hottest July 4th bumper stickers this year are:
ENGLAND SUCKS! BRING IT ON LIMEYS! and WE'RE TAKING IT TO LONDON!
The British, although confident that July 4th festivities would blow over into a bleary eyed July 5th hangover, had moved an aircraft carrier and a fleet of destroyers into the Atlantic. "Our relations are tip-top with Washington," said Leftenant Nigel Sidebotham of the Royal British Navy. "We just don't want to be caught off guard by some upstart militia who takes their July 4th a little too seriously."
British officials have unveiled a plan to repel any Yankee sneak attack. "It's elegantly simple," explained Leftenant Sidebotham. "We carpet bomb them with warm beer and blood sausage, and the Colonies will be ours once again."
Will there be a 240th 'Screw England' Day? Slurry McHambone is sure of it. "As long as we have baby back ribs, dangerous fireworks, and red white and blue face paint, we'll always have 'Screw England' Day!"
Anti News ©2015 Chris Hume