For the 240th year in a row, America did its annual touchdown dance on England's face. Beer kegs and illegal fireworks filled backyards from sea to shining sea, in honor of our totally busting England's ass sideways and telling them who's their Daddy.

As anti-England frenzy swept the nation, customers shopped with patriotic fervor. "I got to Costco too late and they were already out of dynamite and stars 'n stripes head-bands," said disappointed mother Jolene Talbert. "So I'm making my own 'SCREW ENGLAND' banner, and hanging it off my balcony."

"You've got to taste my "England Sucks!" cupcakes," said Marsha Elwell of Dandridge, Tennessee. "They're red, white and blue, to celebrate our undisputed smackdown of England back in 17-whatever. Plus they have a red velvet bacon salted caramel center!"

The United Kingdom actually has no grudge about losing. "Okay, so you beat us fair and square," said a stoic yet chipper England. "But that was 240 years ago. Get over it."

"We'll get over it when Hell freezes over!" exclaimed un-masked angry white guy Chest Barrelman. "We hung your pale butts out to dry, then we rubbed your faces in it! God chose us over you!" Chest Barrelman celebrated by tattooing Screw England! across his face.

Fears that England may attack again, and try to retake its former colonies have fired up a lot of frightened Americans. Edwin Boozler of Hawgsville, Ohio built a double-reinforced bunker complete with gun turrets and a 5-year food supply. "I'm fully prepared for those Redcoats." said Boozler, "They've been lying in wait for 240 years, but I'm Redcoat-ready." Boozler will charge at the British wearing a giant sequined Uncle Sam costume complete with stovepipe hat and sparklers shooting out of the top.

The British, although confident that July 4th festivities would blow over into a bleary eyed July 5th hangover, moved an aircraft carrier and a fleet of destroyers into the Atlantic, just in case. "Our relations are tip-top with Washington," said Leftenant Nigel Thornbottom of the Royal British Navy. "We just don't want to be caught off guard by some flag-blazing hyper-patriot."

British officials have unveiled a plan to repel any Yankee sneak attack. "It's elegantly simple," explained Leftenant Thornbottom. "We carpet bomb them with warm beer and blood sausage, and the Colonies will be ours once again."

Will there be a 241st 'Screw England' Day? Slurry McHambone is sure of it. "As long as we have baby back ribs, backyard artillery and red white and blue face paint, we'll always have 'Screw England' Day!"

Anti News ©2015/2020 Chris Hume


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