Last week, Creationists revised the true age of Earth from 6,000 years down to just over 60 years. After conducting an intense study of Scripture, and consulting with the Lord through deep prayer, the true age of our world was finally revealed. And it's about the same age as a Classic Chevy from the Truman Administration.
"Boy were we wrong!" said Pastor Todd Gagman. "But history is a lot shorter now, so we don't have to read so dang much! All this time we believed that God had created everything thousands of years ago, even before our grandparents were born."
The error was glaringly simple: a tiny misprint in the Bible. Church authorities had been interpreting the history of the universe based on a Biblical typo, and no one dared to question it. But now, it's official: The Lord created the Earth approximately 60 years ago.
"No big deal, we just shaved off a couple of zeroes," said Bible Scientist J. William Cadillac. "But 60 years is still a very long time for most of us. I mean we're talking decades and decades here."
According to the new timeline, God created the universe sometime in the spring of 1954. It was a quiet evening, unseasonably warm, and it happened somewhere in Wisconsin. "I was at the soda fountain," said true believer Buck McCrapple. "I was sipping a strawberry malt when there was this blinding flash of light, accompanied by a boys' choir. And lo, from the void, He brought forth all of Creation. So I ordered another malt and enjoyed the fireworks."
But some are questioning this drastic revision of history. "Oh come on! How can Earth be 60 years old? I stormed the beach at Normandy for Christ's sake!," said 89 year-old D-Day Veteran Ted Harkin. Ted even showed his birth certificate proving that he was born in 1925 (before anything existed).
"This man is a heretic!" exclaimed Minister Calvin Butterworth. "His birth certificate's obviously a fake. And World War II couldn't possibly have happened. God hadn't created the universe yet!"
Everything from antique cars to Charlie Chaplin to Abraham Lincoln is being looked upon as 'an evil trick perpetrated by Lucifer'. "These are all imaginary things from before the revised dawn of Creation", explained Church authority Theodore Goggins. "If it's more than 60 years old, it doesn't exist. And it's a cardinal sin to even think about it!"
"What about Jesus?" asked a curious 7 year-old Amanda Smith. "Wasn't he born like thousands of years ago, before God created the universe in 1954?" Little Amanda was expelled from kindergarten for believing in a silly illusion.
The Church is currently recalling 20 billion Bibles and destroying them. The new 60-year Earth Bible will be due
out by Christmas.
But today, the supreme authorities revised Earth's age again, down to only three and a half weeks. "Wait! I think I went to a movie like a month ago," said Kimberly Jennings of Spokane. "Oh well, better not question the Truth. I guess it never happened."
Anti News ©2014 Chris Hume