Osama bin Laden was dredged up from his watery grave and brought back to life in a desperate bid to boost the GOP's sagging popularity.
"Our polls are really drooping," declared GOP strategist Slim Gibbons. "The economy's back on its feet, the health care plan is gaining popularity, and gays have more rights. If we don't do something now, like resurrect the scariest bogeyman of all time, then we're fucked in the midterms."
The idea, hatched in a right wing stink tank in a Florida swamp, has Republicans jittery with excitement. "Just think!" said Wyoming Senator Jon Barrasso, "we could have Osama bin Laden back in the seat, plotting to destroy America and terrifying millions of uninformed citizens!"
The GOP has waged an aggressive marketing campaign. Images of the villainous Saudi Bad Boy have adorned t-shirts, baseball caps, and bumper stickers, harkening back to a more innocent time of ignorance and terror. "Bring Back bin Laden!" is the tattoo of the week in many parts of the Heartland. Hobby Lobby is even giving away a free Osama bin Laden action figure for every unwanted pregnancy.
"If we're lucky, he might even unleash a devastating attack on home soil, and we'll win every election from here to Russia!" said a giddy Sarah Palin. "What a Christmas present that would make!"
The badly decomposed and bloated Al Qaeda leader was located on the Indian Ocean floor (his transponder was still working). Half eaten by fish and covered with barnacles, the legendary terror leader was cleaned, scraped, gutted and outfitted with a brand new scraggly beard.
"Barack Obama thought he could bust our balloon by killing bin Laden," said a cocksure Paul Ryan. "Well, guess who's back! And he's on our team now!"
After an 'extreme makeover' by a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon, Osama bin Laden was re-animated and spent several days shopping, bar-hopping, and catching up on life since he was killed by Seal Team 6 several years ago. "Death to America!" Osama exclaimed with his first raspy breath, as Republicans cheered wildly.
The 9/11 mastermind attended several GOP rallies, raising an assault rifle into the air and screaming 'God is Great'. Gun enthusiasts and Fundamentalist Christians squealed like a bunch of teenage girls at a Justin Bieber concert.
Republicans are now enjoying a solid boost in the polls, as the midterms approach. GOP strategist Slim Gibbons expects a blowout at the ballot box in November. "The Democrats are toast. All they've got is health care, jobs and clean air. Who cares about that shit? We've got terror! All we've got to do now is bring back Saddam Hussein and we'll own the world."
Anti News ©2014 Chris Hume