For the last 4 billion years, air has been free of cost for everyone's survival needs. But this week, there's a change in the air. Because air, the clear breathable substance that sustains all life on Earth, is being privatized.

Trillionaire garbage tycoon Theodore Gagsworth recently purchased the world's air supply for a bargain price of $500 billion. "Hey, a bunch of bums were sucking it back, for free," said the savvy businessman. The essential combination of oxygen, CO2 and nitrogen that surrounds our planet is now part of Global Air Works, a for-profit corporation owned by Mr. Gagsworth.

The process is simple. Global Air Works will sequester the entire atmosphere into a series of colossal tanks in near-Earth orbit. Just log onto your account at MyBreath.com and receive your monthly air supply. "it's as easy as paying your electric bill, plus you get to stay alive," explains a slick, hip TV spot. Options include the family size tank, the couple's tank , and the portable back pack tank (air masks and helmets not included).

However, there are still a few bugs to work out (like all the poor people and animals and plants dying off, and no one being able to drive, because gas needs air in order to burn). "Big deal!" said a cocksure Gagsworth from his private air-filled pleasure dome. "The free market will solve the problem soon enough."

Global Air Works had a huge opening day on Wall Street, ensuring a lifetime supply of air for all of its stockholders. "It's a must-have commodity'" said an excited Gagsworth, "People are literally dying to get some."

But not everybody is thrilled at the privatization of air. "This is not entirely legal," gasped Frieda Roberts of 'Concerned Breathers of America'. "One company monopolizing all of the air is wrong. We need competition to keep the prices down." But the Supreme Court ruled in favor of Global Air Works, citing the lawsuit as a violation of corporate freedom.

Hundreds of protesters staged an 'air-strike' in New York's Central Park, holding their breath for as long they could in opposition to privatized air. Unfortunately, all of them died from suffocation within several minutes.

"Get over it." chuckled Mr. Gagsworth "It's your basic business model. You sell something that people really, really need, and you make boatloads of money. Or in my case, oceans of money!" Mr. Gagsworth pledges to provide good, clean, nutritious air to his customers for less than $20 per day. "Sign up now, and the first week is free!" says a colorful roadside billboard.

Gagsworth's next venture is to privatize light by selling people's own eyes back to them for a thousand dollars apiece. "Breath and light are fine products," said Gagsworth. "Want to see stuff and breath air? Get a job!"

Anti News ©2014 Chris Hume