Two weeks ago, Abdullah McCarthy Pinkersnout (aka the Pretzel Bomber) tried to bring down a commercial jetliner with an explosive bag of pretzels. Fortunately, he was caught in the nick of time and wrestled into the aisle before he could set off his home made 'Pretzel Bomb'.

"He could have killed hundreds", explained TSA manager Chad Slokum. "The pretzel bomb was filled with stale pretzels, razor blades and broken glass. We narrowly averted a catastrophe."

Due to the dastardly deeds of the Pretzel Bomber, no one will be allowed to take pretzels aboard a commercial jetliner. Ever again. Security lines at airports will be many hours longer, as all passengers will have to take off their shoes, as well as prove that they are 100% pretzel-free before boarding any aircraft. Just in case another pretzel bomber strikes.

Then last week, the Zipper Bomber struck. The deranged psycopath tried to blow up a plane by unzipping his C4 explosive-laden fly in the tiny bathroom. Fortualtely, the zipper did not ignite, and the Zipper Bomber was taken into custody.

"Please remove all zippers" says a new sign at TSA facilities in airports throughout America. Passengers are required to unstitch zippers from all trousers and jackets, and place them in a tray for immediate disposal by TSA authorities. Lines are expected to be many hours longer.

"This is too much," said passenger Ted Enright of Chicago. "I'm wearing pajamas on all future flights from now on." Then yesterday, the Pajama Bomber stuck. The diabloical four year old tried to light his highly flammable pajamas on fire in mid- flight. Fortunately he fumbled the match, and his fuzzy Yoda-speckled PJ's failed to go off. The Pajama Bomber was dragged screaming and wailing into juvenile custody.

"How are we supposed to travel?" complained frustrated mom Zelda Watkins "Everything's a bomb now!" Yesterday, the Denture Bomber was caught trying to blow his teeth up on a fully loaded jumbo jet. All passengers are now required to remove their teeth and place them in a small beige tray for destruction. The incident of the Bad Hair Bomber now compels all passengers to shave their heads before boarding a plane. Then the Fake Leg Bomber tried to sneak aboard with a prosthetic limb packed with high explosives. He tripped on his shoelaces, and his leg flew off, foiling his fiendish plot.

Week-long lines of nude, hairless, toothless, legless passengers snake out of airports and down the streets. "We understand your frustration," said TSA worker Daryl Malloy. "Now turn around and cough up those teeth."

"Sure it's a pain in the ass," said Stan Winkwall after five days in the rain. "They can take my pretzels, my teeth, my hair, my legs, my soul. But as long as I still have my iPhone and my triple caramel espresso, I'm not complaining."

Anti News ©2014 Chris Hume