Al Qaeda, the well established terror franchise known for decades of horrific atrocities, has been losing its 'badass' edge over the last few years. Now, out-funded, out-gunned, and out-crazied by ISIS, Al Qaeda is finding itself in what could best be described as a 'terrorist identity crisis.'
"When it came to bloodthirsty savages, we were number one," said frustrated Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri. "We flew planes into buildings. We bombed embassies! Now these copycat barbarians come along and steal our thunder!"
Indeed, throngs of bored unemployed young males are flocking to ISIS, leaving the once powerful Al Qaeda twiddling its thumbs. Mr. Zawahiri now spends more time playing Candy Crush and waiting for the phone to ring, while ISIS beheads its way to the top.
"That's the problem," explained advertising executive Stanley Flabbergast. "Al Qaeda has been losing customer loyalty for years. They're perceived as a bunch of out-of-touch old guys. And that's just not sexy."
Al Qaeda recently hired New York ad agency Ballsac & LeDouche to 'punch up' their image. "They've got recognition factor," said a Ballsac & LeDouche spokesman. "We need to remind the public that they're barbaric maniacs - with experience. Yet they're still hip and edgy." A series of billboard ads read "Al Qaeda: Psycho-Madness You Can Trust," and "Bringing you Terror since 1988." But unfortunately, its just not tracking with women, Latinos, professionals and the elderly. Or anyone else for that matter.
"ISIS is just a better product," explained Mr. Flabbergast. "They're bloodier, crazier and have more Youtube followers. They're the iPhone. Al Qaeda's the Blackberry."
Last week, Al Qaeda had its electricity and cable shut off due to non payment. Down on his luck, Mr. Zawahiri ordered several fundraisers in a desperate bid to reboot the infamous Al Qaeda brand. A bake sale brought in about $75. A lemonade stand netted over $28. And a bikini car-wash took in almost $1200.
"We made the girls take off their burkas and lather up in teeny weeny bikinis," said Zawahiri. "Sure, it's filthy satanic Western decadence, but hey, times are hard!