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ANTI NEWS BULLETIN # 114:

NEW AIRLINE MAXIMIZES PROFITS
BY STACKING PASSENGERS
'LIKE FIREWOOD'


 

 
 

CheapJet, the latest no-frills low-budget airline, has come up with a new business model to help bring down ticket costs and make profits soar. Introducing Sky-Stacking, the cost efficient method where airline passengers are stacked like firewood for those long-haul flights. By stacking bodies as tightly together as possible, there is no waste of space, which makes everyone happy, especially the shareholders.

"This is the greatest money saver since 'Bring Your Own Chair'!" said Jackson Twillford, wealth manager for CheapJet. Last year, many airlines simply tore out the seats, leaving their cabins totally bare. "All those tray tables, flotation devices, and seatbelts were an undue financial burden on us," explained Twillford. "By requiring passengers to bring their own FAA-certified airline seats, we saved billions!"

"What's wrong with my pink pleather beanbag chair?" complained frequent passenger Ted Butterworth. "I just want to feel at home when I fly." Ted was charged a $990 'chair charge' for not bringing regulation seating with him.

"CheapJet is making a killing. Our stock is soaring." said CEO Braxton Snoutworth. But making a killing wasn't enough. "You still had all those bulky seats taking up space that could otherwise hold more people." That's when CheapJet dreamed up the lucrative 'Sky-Stacking' method.
"It's Stack-tastic!" proclaims a colorful billboard near the airport. 'Save a bundle while being bundled up with your fellow travelers!'

"You can stack them vertically or horizontally, but they fit in best lengthwise," explained baggage handler Chuck Buford. "If you stack them head to toe, ten deep, you can use up every cubic inch in the aircraft, especially if you use lubricant. Children stack up front, while fatter people stack towards the rear of the aircraft which really helps during takeoff."

Despite complaints from citizens' rights groups about sub- human conditions and occasional suffocation (especially for those on the bottom of the stack), CheapJet predicts a banner year. There is no need to waste space with such luxuries as food or water. CheapJet will even provide fresh air to its customers who are willing to spend a little extra.


"Stacking passengers like firewood is the wave of the future," explained CEO Braxton Snoutworth. "Got a problem with that? Put yourself in a box and mail yourself there!"


Anti News ©2014 Chris Hume

 

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