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ANTI NEWS BULLETIN # 116:

HOLLYWOOD STUDIO BOSS
BUILDS MEGA-MANSION
OUT OF SCREENPLAYS


 

 
 


Floyd Diamond, president of Colossus Pictures, has finished construction on his new glamour home - and it's built entirely out of screenplays. Every genre is included, from sprawling epics to personal dramas to action adventure - all stacked on top of each other into a 12 bedroom, 10 bathroom mega-mansion. Now, almost three years and five hundred million screenplays later, Studio Boss Floyd Diamond is ready
to move into his sprawling compound.

"This house is filled with stories," explained Mr. Diamond as he reclined on a gigantic sofa (also made out of screenplays). "Now they're all going to have a happy ending. Plus - I get to surround myself with the creative magic that built Hollywood."

The construction method is actually quite sturdy. Screenplays are slathered in a waterproof shellac, bundled into highly compressed 'bricks' and then stacked into foundations, walls, support pilings, and whatever else is needed to build a house.

"The floor is made up mostly of romantic comedies and cop/buddy movies," said Mr. Diamond, as he gave a walking tour of his storybook palace. "The winding staircase up front is made of science fiction and westerns, while the chimney is made of suspense thrillers and tender coming-of-age pictures.

Diamond's power castle is also eco-friendly. The outer walls and roof are over a foot thick with screenplays, making them bullet proof, as well as keeping the house cooler in summer and warmer in winter.

"It warms my heart to think that every brick in my home is the product of months, maybe even years of dedicated, disciplined passion, squeezed from the soul of a writer." When asked if he has read any of the screenplays, Mr. Diamond chuckled, "Are you kidding? I'm a busy man. I don't have to time to read."

And so, the countless struggling writers who come to Hollywood may yet have their work immortalized. It won't end up on the silver screen, but at least their stories will live on forever, mucked in with mortar and plaster, embedded in a wall or maybe a bathroom floor.

This year, Colossus Pictures has more screenplays than they know what to do with. "These things arrive by the truckload every day! It's cheaper than concrete." explained Floyd Diamond. He now plans to use all the surplus literary material to build a housing development, or maybe even a small city. "I think I'll call it 'Screenplayland'. Hey, all those out-of-work screenwriters will need a cheap place to live!"



Anti News ©2014 Chris Hume

 

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