In a valiant effort to stop women from getting abortions, Texas Republicans have created a set of nearly impossible rules for health clinics across the state. In fact, the guidelines are so severe, most facilities will be forced to close.


"This has nothing to do with our utter contempt for women," explained GOP lawmaker Channing Dipplesnout. "Abortion clinics must be held to the highest of standards. Plus this is a tribute to our Lord God."


Among the new rules set forth by the GOP: All abortion clinics must be completely torn down, and rebuilt out of solid emerald. Walls must be at least one foot thick, plus there must be a fully operational NASCAR racetrack surrounding the perimeter of the building.


"Come on!" said frustrated health care worker Nancy Davis. "How are women supposed to run between all those speeding race cars to get to the front door? It's just not fair."


Any facility that provides abortions will also have to construct a world-class ski resort on the roof. All the surgery rooms must be lined with baby zebra skin. And there must always be a dump truck filled with fresh caviar in the waiting room at all times.


"We just don't have the budget for these new rules. We're going to have to close down. And the true victim of this - is the terrified pregnant teenage girl." But Texas lawmaker Channing Dipplesnout disagrees:


"Look. The depressed, bankrupt teenage mother is a cornerstone of the American can-do spirit. She's no different than football, apple pie, bowling teams or fighter jets."


But the draconian new rules for clinics are only part of the strict new policy. Women themselves must also jump through a number of hoops, based on religious edict. If a woman wishes to have an abortion, she must:


1. Travel to New York at her own expense, climb the outside of the Empire State Building using suction cups, and drink a dirty martini while standing on one foot atop the pinnacle.
2. Spend the night in a dumpster filled with aborted fetuses, while said dumpster is towed at 60 miles per hour over speed bumps.
3. Compose a full opera and have it open successfully in Paris within three weeks.


As a result, all health clinics in Texas have closed down. Besides no more abortions, women are also unable to receive breast cancer tests, regular check ups for their infants, or anything else related to health care.


"But hey, at least God is happy," explained Mr. Dipplesnout.

* Yep. Based on reality LINK 1 LINK 2