A new study has revealed that over 62% of Americans now believe that gravity is a hoax. This is up from 48% ten years ago. The once-established notion that a 'cosmic force binds us to our planet' has been banned from school textbooks and is now the subject of mass ridicule.
"Once again, science has pulled the wool over our eyes," said Senator Cletus McClog. "But with the help of the Almighty, America is waking up to this gravity nonsense."
Concerned Religious Americans for Prayer (C.R.A.P.) issued a statement today, calling gravity 'a dangerous illusion perpetrated by money grubbing eggheads who want to keep us shackled to the ground'. Across the nation, 'Pray the Gravity Away' rallies are being held in thousands of churches, but so far, no one has successfully floated away.
"Look. In the Kingdom of God, everyone floats around. Harps. Angels. Clouds. That's a fact," explained Pastor Chest Gruntwagon. "If Americans just prayed harder, this gravity voodoo would disappear, and we'd all just float up and join Him."
Many now fear that liberals and educated types will eventually take over the Kingdom of God and infect it with gravity. "If that happens, Heaven would come crashing down to Earth," exclaimed a very excited President Ted Cruz. "We've got to fight them here, or pretty soon, we'll be fighting them there!"
Anti-gravity legislation has passed both houses of Congress. The latest law makes it a crime to drop stuff, fall down, or walk around with your feet on the floor.
"This is going too far!" said Theo Lenkworth, a scientist. "Gravity has been around for billions of years. Without gravity, the atmosphere would dissipate into space and we'd all be dead." Mr. Lenkworth is currently serving hard time in prison, suspended by his feet.
"Gravity is not in the Constitution!" explained Senator McClog. "Therefore it doesn't exist, dumbass!"
President Ted Cruz promises an America that will be 'gravity-free' by 2020. "This abominable hoax will go into the dustbin of history, along with dinosaurs, health care, intellectuals, poor people and weather."
Meanwhile, Pastor Chest Gruntwagon has declared an Anti-Gravity Truth Crusade next month. "Join my flock! We will prove the absolute truth once and for all!" The minister's congregation, numbering in the millions, plans to gather at the North Face of the Grand Canyon, pray really, really hard, and jump.
Anti News ©2014 Chris Hume