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ANTI NEWS BULLETIN # 120:
THE AFTERLIFE IS CLOSED FOR REMODELING

(Because it doesn't look as awesome as the movies)

 

 
 


The Afterlife, that dazzling, mysterious tunnel of light that we all enter when we die, has been closed for remodeling. Millions of souls will be held up in purgatory during construction, which could take up to ten years and cost billions. The reason: the Afterlife has become boring and out of date, now that virtually everyone has seen better special effects at the movies before they die.

"Oh man this sucks," complained Pete, a college student recently hit by a bus. "It's just a shitty tunnel with some bad lighting and old-ass choir music. This is like my grandma's version of cool."  

Death's approval rating has plummeted in last 20 years, as the recently deceased are now cooler and hipper and more savvy to the latest in CGI technology.  

"What an anti-climax," said Charlene, a graphic designer who choked to death on a steak last week. "If this is death, kill me now!" Randy, an avid gamer (also dead), was equally underwhelmed. "I thought death was going to be sexy and awesome, like a roller coaster, or a chase sequence from a Michael Bay movie."

Afterlife designers are working frantically to reboot the unimpressive portal to the great beyond. Some of the equipment dates back to the early '70s. "When complete, the new Afterlife will blow you away," explained God, Chairman of Afterlife Inc. "and yes, we'll get rid of that silly fog machine."

Besides the fog machine, The Afterlife tunnel will be losing its avocado shag carpet, wood paneled walls, audio-animatronic Jesus, and shabby disco ball.

"We knew we were in trouble when that Robin Williams movie 'What Dreams May Come' was released back in the '90s," said God. "Our product looked like a soggy old milk carton compared to those killer special effects."

God will be hiring an all-star team to beef up the gateway to the next world. On board are several studio executives, an Oscar-winning art director and all three hundred digital animators from 'Interstellar'. "Death is getting an extreme makeover," said event planner Wanda Swagworth. "Get ready for holograms, super models, 24/7 gaming consoles and champagne-filled water slides."

The new, revamped Death is already causing a sensation among the living. The trailer has millions of hits on YouTube. With a release date shortly before Christmas, people are already lining up around the block to die.

 

 


Anti News ©2014 Chris Hume

 

 

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