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ANTI NEWS BULLETIN # 121:
SANTA'S WORKSHOP COLLAPSES INTO THE ARCTIC

 

 
 


In further evidence of climate change, Santa's Workshop collapsed into a sinkhole of melting pack ice and plunged to the bottom of the Arctic Ocean. Rescue operations are underway. "Our prayers go out to Kris Kringle and his workers", said Shell Oil executive Cranston Krock. "But aside from a bunch of floating frozen elves and a lot of waterlogged wrapping paper, there is little hope of survival."

"Santapocalypse" as it is being called, couldn't have happened at a worse time. The North Pole ice pack completely melted only one week before Christmas, when the Workshop was in full production mode. Over four thousand elves were working the assembly line, wrapping stations and logistics support. Santa, his family and his entire reindeer herd were on site as well, when the ocean opened up and swallowed the compound. Video feeds from salvaged security cameras show scenes of chaos and panic, as a totally unprepared holiday wonderland was sucked into the icy black water. Children across the globe will not be getting any presents this year.

But not all Christmas hope is dashed. Now that the North Pole is free of sea ice, (for the first time in 2 million years) Shell, ExxonMobil, Gazprom, BP and others are expecting a big present from Santa this year: drilling rights for Arctic oil! Oil-Discovery ships from eight countries are scrambling for a piece of the action. The prize: a wellhead at the North Pole!

"We really got a whopper under our Christmas tree!", said BP Gas Giant Buford Thuggins. "Over a trillion barrels of black gold! We knew it was down there. But with Santa and all that ice in the way, it was bah-humbug for us... until now!"

The oil industry has been pressuring Santa to grant drilling rights on the sea bed beneath his workshop for years now. But Santa, an ardent environmentalist, has refused. ExxonMobilApplebees offered Mr. Claus three billion dollars to publicly deny that humans were responsible for global warming, and even offered him stock as well as a percentage of all revenues from North Pole Oil Extraction. Santa simply replied with a "Ho-ho-ho!" and sent a lump of coal to the CEO's of all the major energy corporations.

Now, Saint Nick and his legendary operation have vanished into the freezing depths. There is however, a glimmer of light.. A small red light, actually. The red glow was spotted in thick fog by the massive Chevron Freedom Driller as it neared the Pole. Huddled on a melting block of ice were Rudolph, Dasher, Prancer and Vixen.

ChevronTexacoPapaJohns announced the miraculous discovery on FoxNews. The four surviving reindeer will be shipped to a petting zoo in Florida where children can take pictures of them and feed them gummi bears.

So what now after Santapocalypse? ArcoBPShellDenny's has proposed building a mock up of Santa's workshop atop the colossal drilling rig that is being anchored into the ocean floor at the North Pole. The famous salvaged "barber pole" will be mounted beneath the American Flag. A slick reality show will follow the quirky antics of the elves and their silly but loveable boss as they build toys and drill for oil. "Santa's Extreme Workshop 2.0" will debut on The History Channel, and is destined to be an extreme reality hit.

 


Anti News ©2014 Chris Hume

 

 

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