Over the last few years, Kansas has adopted a series of fiscal measures so severe, the state has simply run out of money. The policy of cutting taxes at all costs, at the expense of education, public safety, and even filling potholes, has totally bankrupted the state. In fact, Kansas is now so deeply into the red, it must put on a miniskirt, green eye shadow and thigh-high leather boots, so it can walk the streets in search of rough trade and some badly needed revenue.
"The people have spoken!" declared Governor Sam Brownback (recently re-elected). "The good voters of this state don't want to be mollycoddled with girly public resources like fire departments, libraries, and road repair. We're too American for that!"
Earlier this year, the state budget plummeted past zero and kept falling. Bridges collapsed, houses burned, jails freed their inmates, schools shut down. And Kansas, facing a complete and utter societal meltdown, became a hooker. "I'm not proud," said the middle-aged state, "but I've got to survive. Even if I have to wear high heels and a feather boa to earn a living."
At first it offered up the basic fare: five-dollar hand jobs and fifty bucks for a 'world-tour'. But its fiscal hole is now so big, most clients are afraid to get near it. After a slap-around from Kansas' pimp (Governor Brownback), the streetwalking state had to 'get kinky' to bring in much-needed cash.
"I don't even know what a 'Rusty Trombone' is, but it sounds nasty!" said Wichita plumber Hank Liggett. "Hey, if it means I can walk to the store without getting killed by a crumbling bridge, then let's get down and dirty!"
Now, over $279 million in the hole, Kansas must hike up its skirt and throw dignity to the wind. Ten bucks for a 'Dirty Sanchez', thirty bucks for a 'Gorilla Sandwich' seventy bucks for a 'Shaved Warthog'... Kansas did numerous unspeakable acts, and by Friday, it had enough money to fill thirty potholes and open half a library.
The sullied and besmirched state cried out for mercy. "Let's raise a few taxes so I can have a day off. Please?" Pimp Brownback howled with rage. "Get back in the alley and bring home the bacon! Your Daddy loves you, but it's tough love!"
And so, the deflowered Sunflower State continues to troll the streets for enough coin to close its budget gap. But no amount of loud perfume or garish lipstick will fill the hole. So Kansas is now moonlighting as a waitress at a Waffle House in Oklahoma. "You know it's hard out here for a pimp!" declared Sam Brownback. "I'll whip my state into shape if it kills me!" And then he was crushed by a falling bridge.
Based on reality:
1. Kansas Auctions off Seized Sex Toys
2. Kansas faces $279 Million Shortfall |
