Last week, Howard Filcher made history by successfully walking solo from L.A. to Tokyo on an ocean of Plastic Bags. The sprawling expanse of flimsy but durable plastic bags, which spans from North America to Asia, has never been traversed by a single human being. So when an exhausted Howard finally arrived in Japan, after enduring eleven months of solitude on the vast Sea of Bags, he became an instant global Twitter star.

 "It's great to be off the bags and back on solid land," said the exhausted adventurer. "If it weren't for my GPS, my Doritos, and countless bottles of Mountain Dew, I would have surely lost my mind out there among the bags."

In order to walk across the Pacific, Howard had to be fully prepared. He brought weather gear, first aid, and sufficient food with him (all in disposable plastic bags and bottles). And he had to be certain that the Sea of Bags was thick enough to support his weight. Less than 20 years ago, there weren't even enough bags to cover the Pacific. A paltry billion or so swirled around on the high seas. But humans generously donated their used plastic bags over the years by throwing them into gutters. Gradually, the Sea of Bags formed a thin crust atop the Pacific.

But bag-crossings have taken their toll. Last year Desmond Wilkins plunged through a weak spot, vanishing into a vortex of plastic Pepsi bottles and Cheetos bags.  The year before, explorer Alex Vitrenko was killed when he was caught in a storm and sucked up into a plastic bag tornado. But today, it's almost ten feet thick in places, safe enough to drive a fully loaded dump truck, or even land a plane.

Environmentalists are outraged. "These plastic bags will last virtually forever, while all of the undersea life will wither and die!" exclaimed activist Janet Hoover. But the pro-bag camp pushed back and doubled down. "Listen, there are plenty of other oceans left in the world," explained baggist Tom Twillsbury. "Go find some other useless expanse of open water to whine about!"

Developer Walter Glutman is thrilled about the future. "The Pacific Sea of Bags is just the beginning. If everybody does their part, we can 'bag' the Earth and put a highway across the ocean. And the condos, housing tracts and football stadiums will follow!"

And so Howard Filcher is America's new hero. He has been dubbed the "Charles Lindbergh of Plastic Bags".  Howard is now a multi-millionaire, having picked up sponsors like Doritos, Starbucks, McDonalds, Cheetos, Popeye's, Pepsi and anything else that can be finished off and thrown into the sea.

We're headed there (if we don't change our habits):
Great Pacific Garbage Patch 


Anti News ©2015 Chris Hume



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