Grace Wilkins found out the hard way that you don't party while pregnant. The 31 year old waitress is being sued by her own fetus, because on Saturday, she drank a strawberry margarita at a bridal shower.
Her 15 day-old blastocyst, Noah, was deeply offended (and somewhat wasted) by the bright red party beverage. Noah hired an expensive attorney and proceeded with a full-fledged lawsuit against his mother.
"This will be a landmark case," said Henry Blimpton, Noah's
power lawyer. "Never before has a pre-born person sued his own host. My client has been subjected to great harm and now suffers from anxiety and trauma. All he wants is justice, and two million dollars cash for his pain and anguish."
Noah also hired an interpreter to voice his complaints (since he has no mouth or brain yet). "I am a victim of her pleasure," said his interpreter, a psychic priest. "And tequila is just gross! It makes me queasy and flatulent. My carrier doesn't even care how I feel. And for that, she's going to pay!"
The judge ruled in favor of Noah (all 708 cells of him). His mother was charged with being a 'negligent vessel', with no regard for the treasure within its uterus', and sentenced to life in prison.
All across America, litigious embryos are lining up to take action against their carrier-hosts. In Indiana, darling little Kevin sued for damages when his mom ate a really spicy burrito. "I was conceived only a day ago, and already I have diarrhea!" And in Colorado, precious little Braxton was traumatized when his mom took a yoga class. "All of a sudden, my world was upside down. It's like a fucking carnival ride in here!" Braxton, a week old cluster of cells, was awarded 6 million in damages, all of which went to his attorney.
"Pre-natal lawsuits are going viral!" declared Jethro Pickett, president of Rights and Protections for Embryos (RAPE). "Mothers beware: your little passengers will put you out on the street if you don't fall into line and behave."
Meanwhile, Grace Wilkins plans to appeal, claiming she didn't know she was pregnant when she had that strawberry margarita. She is now serving life in prison for giving alcohol to a pre-born child. Her bouncing blastocyst, Noah, celebrated his victory by throwing a huge kegger party in his mom's womb. Hundreds of unborn persons came to the all-night beer fest, which included loud music by DJ Zygote, and all-you-can-snort cocaine. Grace woke up the next morning in prison, with the most terrible hangover.
Based on reality:
Pregnant? That might get you arrested