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In a valiant effort to keep the election free from “fraud and graft’ this season, numerous state governments are passing swift and severe new requirements to ‘protect’ democracy.

“We have a real problem at the ballot box,” said Rep Calvin Manglethorpe (R – Idaho). “Aliens and felons and terrorists are trying to vote . “We will keep the Homeland pure by making sure that Americans are truly ‘pro American’ before they even enter the polling station.”  Ratified into Law in over 41 states, these “Patriot Tests” are being enforced, precinct by precinct.  Specific guidelines are tailored to the ethnic and economic makeup of each area to ensure that ineligible folks are weeded out. In East Cleveland Ohio, a predominantly African American (and Democratic) neighborhood, “Patriot Tests” are being administered accordingly:

  1. Recite the U.S. Constitution backwards, in Latin, Estonian, and Cherokee while wearing a blindfold and hopping on one foot, with a clothespin on the nose.
  2. Play one round of polo (voter must own a thoroughbred horse) and defeat a seasoned team of championship polo players.
  3. Guess the number of jelly beans in a large glass jar. *

Successful completion of all three steps makes the citizen ‘eligible’ to vote.  Similarly, tests in working class Latino districts require citizens to “construct a fully functional nuclear submarine out of ivory in five minutes”.  Americans of Middle Eastern heritage must “catch a great white shark with their bare hands and teach it to play Yankee Doodle on the piccolo.”

VoterEquality spokesperson Alberta Stevens sees the new Patriot Tests as slightly biased. “These guidelines unfairly target Americans along ethnic and economic lines. It will succeed in disenfranchising millions of hard working people.”

However FreedomWorks representative Todd Lyons disagrees. “Voter Fraud is one of the top threats to our freedoms, second only to abortion. With almost 8 cases of voter fraud reported over the last 20 years**, we have to stand tall. Every God fearing red blooded loyal American wants his vote to be equally counted. More equally than others, if need be.” In Lubbock Texas, a predominantly white conservative city, “Patriot Tests” are being administered accordingly:

  1. Drink a cold beer while thinking about “whatever”.
  2. Watch some TV, doze off on occasion.
  3. Fondle an assault rifle, then eat a 64 ounce steak without choking to death

Successful completion of the above mentioned steps makes the citizen ‘eligible’ to vote, twice.

* This is true. Blacks in Selma, Alabama were asked to guess the number of jelly beans in a large glass jar to pass a ‘literacy test’ in order to vote.  In effect until 1964.

** Also true. Actual cases of voter fraud are so rare, that such laws actually create a problem instead of solving one.




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