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ANTI NEWS BULLETIN # 131:
ANTI NEWS BULLETIN # 129:
U.S. BEGINS SPRAYING ISIS
WITH LIQUID REMORSE

 

 
 


For almost a year, the United States military has been pounding ISIS relentlessly. But there has been little progress. Frustrated commanders are calling for more firepower. But countless airstrikes have only emboldened the extremist group. The only way to finish them off: a weapon far more terrifying than any bomb.  

This 'nightmare' device could bring ISIS to its knees within weeks. Its effects are devastating. The doomsday serum, a highly dangerous compound known as Hexahydremorse, or Liquid Remorse, is finally ready for deployment against the enemy in the battlefield.

"No more shrapnel. No more bullets. No more bloodshed," explained head Weaponeer Charles Bixley. "Simply mount a remorse bomb under the wing of your aircraft, fly over the target, and drop."  

Within minutes, everyone in the 'spray zone' is made suddenly and horribly aware of their wrong doings. One dose is an instant bitch slap of conscience. The worse a person's deeds are, the more painful the guilt-shock. 19 year old Kevin Wilson of Florida (a recent ISIS recruit) dropped his saber as he was about to behead another hostage. "What's this bloody saber doing in my hand?!" he cried out in shock. Wracked by sudden, incomprehensible guilt, Kevin (and 50 of his fellow fighters) started whining like babies, and called up their mothers begging for plane tickets home.

Weekend jihadist Tommy James of San Diego went into a guilt coma for 3 weeks after being sprayed with liquid remorse. When he awoke, he set all of his wives free and flew home, where he lives in his parents' basement and volunteers at a no-kill animal shelter. At current estimates, every member of ISIS will be a hyper-sensitive emo-kid by summer.

"Hexahydremorse is the answer to all of our problems!" said Colonel Jug Slokum of Central Command. "Just spray everyone down there like a bunch of fruit flies, and America will be unstoppable!"  

The military has stockpiled thousands of missiles filled with liquid remorse. "Bring it on!" America bellowed to its foes, "And we'll GUILT you to death!" Russia followed suit, and a remorse race began.

But the power trip was cut short yesterday when someone sprayed Congress with a stolen tank of liquid remorse. Lawmakers were choking and gagging in the aisles. Empathy and kindness spread like wildfire. Rescue crews arrived, but it was too late. Thugs and bottom feeders worldwide went scrambling for cover. "We've got to remain remorse-free!" said trillionaire garbage mogul Hector Shitz. "If they hit Wall Street, we're finished!


Anti News ©2015 Chris Hume

 

 

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