How old is our universe? How did it form? Where will it all end? These and other perplexing mysteries are finally being revealed by the greatest minds of our time. But last Thursday, a startling breakthrough occurred - with the discovery of the exact center of the universe... the primal point from which all matter and energy emerged, and around which all creation revolves: and she is 27 year-old Stefanie LeDouche of Newport Beach, Orange County, USA. And she drives a white Hummer.
Miss LeDouche was last seen parking her white Hummer across two handicapped spots because she was late for her Zumba class. There was a $300 ticket on the windshield when she returned from Zumba class. Infuriated, she tore the ticket to pieces and sped off, leaving a twenty foot-long burn mark on the pavement. After all, Stefanie LeDouche is the center of the universe.
"I don't pay parking tickets! I've got more important things to do!" she exclaimed, while snapping an angry selfie on her emerald plated Gucci iPhone. The Center of the Universe then swerved into traffic and cut off a school bus on her way to Botox Happy Hour.
Stefanie begins every sentence with the word "I". "I need. I want. I must" are the words constantly streaming out from Stefanie like an explosion of superheated cosmic gas. "We've proven beyond all doubt that everything exists for Stefanie," explained astro-cosmologist Clarence Hingeworth. "It's all about her."
"I want cheesecake." demanded Stefanie. "I want peanut butter cheesecake from my favorite restaurant in New York. Now." And sure enough, a fresh peanut butter cheesecake was delivered by supersonic jet to Stefanie's doorstep. She had one bite and threw the rest away. After all, she is the center of the universe.
Scientists are still studying Stefanie from a safe distance. By aiming the orbiting Hubble Space telescope back towards Newport Beach, astronomers have discovered a massive black hole somewhere near the center of Stefanie. It sucks in everything. Food. Money. Other people's emotions. Even light.
When Stefanie LeDouche received a second warning about her unpaid parking ticket, she sucked the entire police station over her event horizon, crushing it out of existence into an infinitely small singularity. "That'll teach those annoying cops. Besides, I need $300 to bikini wax my precious Chihuahua, CocoPuff.
Yesterday, Stefanie LeDouche expired from complications after her 1000th Botox injection. She bequeathed everything to CocoPuff, her designer Chihuahua, who has now become the new Center of the Universe. All Hail CocoPuff!