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ANTI NEWS BULLETIN # 134:
ANTI NEWS BULLETIN # 129:
THE WORD "AWESOME" OFFICIALLY STRICKEN FROM
THE
ENGLISH LANGUAGE

 

 
 


It's official. As of midnight next Wednesday, the word "awesome" will be stricken from the English language. The tired-out, overused word has been scheduled for retirement since 2011, when it was spoken at least twelve and a half trillion times, completely out of context.

"There is no longer a place in our language for awesome", said Professor Branson Eggleston of the Ministry of Words. "The word has just... lost its awesomeness." 

Awesome, which was originally defined as something dazzling, something phenomenal, something that filled us with 'awe', has since deteriorated into a vapid innocuous afterthought. Last week, a Starbucks barista asked a customer if he wanted a scone or a biscuit with his coffee. When the customer said 'no thank you', the barista replied "Awesome".

"That was the day Awesome died," explained linguist Maya Firestone. "That, and the day my daughter found her iPhone under the couch, wiped the dust and frosting off of it, and exclaimed "Awesome"."

The removal of the wildly popular word from the English language has created a bit of an uproar around the country. "I use awesome for everything!" complained avid tweeter Jessica Schmootz. "What am I supposed to say now when something awesome happens? Or even if nothing awesome happens?"

Professor Eggleston explained: "You know what's awesome? A supernova. A tsunami. An erupting volcano. That would be awesome. You know what's not awesome? Getting rid of a hangnail or a zit. Finding your lost keys. Chocolate covered Twinkies. Anything involving Anne Hathaway. That shit's just NOT awesome!"

Americans now have only four days of awesome left. "And were going to squeeze every last drop out of it!" said couch surfer Larry Bartleworth. Everything from napping, to stale bread, to flat soda will be totally awesome.

However, anyone caught using the word after Wednesday will be sent to Awesome Jail.

Phrases and words also scheduled for demolition:  

1. Bro

2. My bad.

3. That's how I roll.

4. Heads up!

5. Spoken abbreviations (LOL, OMG, FML, IRL).

6. It's all good.

7. Calling a complete stranger "Boss"

8. Badass

Bruce Bramble is taking extra precaution. Tomorrow he's having his back tattoo removed (the word AWESOME in three inch letters) and is replacing it with the phrase "Sort of Okay".

 


Anti News ©2015 Chris Hume

 

 

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