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ANTI NEWS BULLETIN # 137:
ANTI NEWS BULLETIN # 129:
THE POWER OF DUMB:
A NEWLY DISCOVERED FORCE
IN THE UNIVERSE

 

 
 


Scientists have discovered a new fundamental force in the universe: the Power of Dumb. This mysterious entity known as "Dumb" now joins the other rudimentary forces that hold our cosmos together. "We always knew that there was something else out there, but it was too simple for us to see," explained cosmo-stupidologist Calvin Tubbs.

The fundamental forces of nature (gravity, electromagnetism, the strong force (which holds atoms together) and the weak force (radioactive decay) were long believed to be the only pieces of the grand cosmic puzzle. But these four pillars of creation weren't doing all the heavy lifting. Behind it all, a far dimmer (but stronger) ingredient keeps everything securely in place.   

"Dumb exists everywhere. It's in your coffee. It's in that supernova millions of light years away. It's in Ted Cruz. It's in that lady texting in the oncoming lane," said Dr. Horace Simpleton, "Without Dumb, the universe would be overwhelmed by understanding, wisdom and clarity."

In fact, "stupidium" as it is called, fills every corner of the universe, but only in trace amounts; however there are places where it is more concentrated. Scientists are studying these mysterious "black holes" of dumb: massive regions that are so dense, not even thought can escape.

"If only we could harness this awesome power," said General Dennis Fooldale. "Just one bomb filled with this stuff could wipe out the enemy forever."

A mere pinch of "stupidium" could turn a hundred thousand people into nose-picking, mouth-breathing, slack-jawed morons in less than a minute. "We're messing with Mother Nature", said activist Karen Wilmont. "Stupidium is highly unstable. If it falls into the wrong hands, humanity could be dumbed out of existence."

Is there an antidote to stupidium? "Read a good book, avoid Fox News, and drink a glass of carrot juice each day," explains Karen.

But there is a problem. Stupidium tastes really, really good. "It's like Red Bull, mixed with bubble gum and bacon bits!" said Darla Smeck, ten seconds before her brain turned into rotten cabbage.  

And so, civilization may very well succumb to the Power of Dumb. "Don't tread on me!", exclaimed angry patriot Jebediah Hoot. "I want my Freedumb!" 

 

 


Anti News ©2015 Chris Hume

 

 

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