In a brave and noble step towards a cleaner planet, America has pledged to curtail its massive energy appetite by using one less light bulb by the year 2020. "We're going to have to team up and do this together as a country," said Senator Dan Hinkle to a lit-up audience, "I believe this is actually a goal we can achieve."

Climate change (a.k.a global warming, a.k.a. Biblical Cataclysm) is leaving its devastating mark across the world. As cities drown and croplands turn into scorched deserts, humans are finally waking up to the truth about their wasteful habits.

"Finally, this is a chance to do something," said an excited Darlene Cabot of Knoxville. "We've got to use one less light bulb by 2020, or our way of life may be doomed."

#OneLessLightBulb is now the most tweeted hashtag in the blogosphere. It's also the most popular bumper sticker this week. "I bought five," said Slim Jenkins. "One for each of my trucks, my speed boat, and both of my beer fridges."

The One-Less-Light-Bulb pledge wasn't an easy victory in Congress. Originally, the plan was for each citizen to use one less light bulb by 2020. This drew howls of rage from Republicans. "Why don't you just march us all into death camps?" yelled Senator Baker McBumble (R) FL. "America will never surrender in this treacherous War on Light Bulbs!" McBumble and other Republicans are protesting by letting their Hummers idle in their driveways 24/7.

After months of filibustering, Congress finally settled on a compromise: one less light bulb for the whole country. "Centuries from now, people will look back and remember that we saved the world with our courageous leadership," said Senator Dan Hinkle (D) CT.

As for the light bulb itself, the 75-watt household incandescent will be placed in a special lock box (draped in an American Flag) and kept under strict watch by a Marine Honor Guard until 2020. A huge fireworks display and tailgate party was planned in honor of the One Light Bulb. Unfortunately, the Greenland Ice Sheet collapsed the next day; sea levels rose 11 feet, and the light bulb was lost in the flood.

Happy Earth Week! 


Anti News ©2015 Chris Hume



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