In the latest attempt to stop aliens from creeping into our heartland, Congress has approved the construction of the "Freedom Fence" along the entire perimeter of the United States.
The Freedom Fence, a controversial super-barrier, will effectively "vacuum seal" America. It will keep us 100% safe from the unwashed masses who clamor to get in and get their claws on the sanctity of freedom.
"The Freedom Fence is too big to climb," explained Senator Duff Bellwhip (R) TX. "Hooligans and terrorists will find a wealth of horrors awaiting them at our border. God Bless America and her Freedom Fence!"
Efforts to keep America free from the rest of the world go back many decades. The electrified barbed wire fence wasn't enough. Vicious guard dogs weren't enough. Snipers on watchtowers weren't enough. "We had to combine all those things and put them on Viagra and steroids," said border patrol officer Clancy Jibbs. "And then set it all on fire."
The beefed up hyper-wall is something of an engineering marvel. Freedom Moats are filled with boiling sulfuric Freedom Acid. Freedom Spikes adorn the top of the Freedom Fence, tipped with deadly Freedom Venom. And a raging 30-foot high Freedom Fire burns along a Freedom Trench the whole length of the border (just in case those aliens make it over the Freedom Spikes and through the Freedom Acid).
"This is monstrous tool of fear and bigotry!" exclaimed immigrants' rights activist Alyssa Marton. "The Freedom Fence is a dark stain on America's landscape."
"It's actually quite beautiful," observed Senator Bellwhip. "The Freedom Fire lights up the sky from horizon to horizon, with swarms of Freedom Bees attacking wannabe Americans. Freedom has never been safer and stronger!"
Completion of the first five hundred miles of Freedom Fence is on schedule for July 4th. The entire border will be one giant fireworks display forming the words "Welcome to the United States of America. Now go home!"
And now you can have your very own Freedom Fence at home! Protect yourself from your neighbors with accessories like the Freedom Shark, the Freedom Pit Bull, the Freedom Poop Catapult and the Freedom Garbage Cannon. "We're getting one for each bedroom!" said dysfunctional dad Todd Flingman. "We'll be the first Freedom House on the block!"
Freedom Fence. From the makers of The Freedom Shredder