Avengers, Avatar, Batman, Hunger Games... step aside. Hollywood's newest hyper-expensive ultra-mega franchise has arrived: Captain Everything. The celebrity-studded CGI super spectacle is boasting a budget just north of one trillion dollars (not including advertising).

Captain Everything stars 18-year old Youtube sensation Slick Toughman. He's another tortured, good-looking crime fighter with a dark side. The villain is another CGI maniac with a hockey mask and slimy tentacles played by Tom Hanks. The gorgeous girlfriend, the loyal German shepherd, the angry black grandmother and the mutant newborn infant are also played by Tom Hanks. The Tom Hanks character is played by Halle Berry.

But how did the budget skyrocket to a trillion dollars? "Mostly the food," explained 20 year old studio boss Jimmy Nimziki.

The crew was fed a daily diet of Australian lobster tail in a black truffle reduction, smoked dwarf rhino steak (flown in fresh from Africa), cocaine and Napoleonic wine. "Keeping the crew happy is the key to great filmmaking," said 18 year old line producer Todd Smithy.

Captain Everything required 20,000 digital artists, 1,200 stunt men, 800 hairstylists and 500 writers (one for each day of production). "I was responsible for the CGI sweat on Captain Everything's left forearm," explained digital artist Thelma Soo-yee.  

"Sure we could have used real sweat," said 16 year old director Champion Extreme, "but it just doesn't pop on the big screen."

Another major budget factor was the rebuilding of Dubai on top of Baltimore. "We wanted to shoot the thing in Dubai, but they were offended by the script," explained Champion. "So we simply re-created the city of Dubai in exact detail. In Baltimore." Over a million residents were displaced when Baltimore was demolished to make way for Dubai. "But it's going to look awesome!" said Slick Toughman (in his Captain Everything suit).

In order to keep costs down, the crew was paid with graham crackers and miniature golf coupons. Slick Toughman will be paid 150 billion dollars for his performance as Captain Everything.

Despite having no story and a five-hour running time, Captain Everything was number one at the box office for six months. It also won twelve Oscars, including Best Picture.

"Who needs a sequel?" said an excited Jimmy Nimziki. "We'll just re-boot it next year."



Anti News ©2015 Chris Hume



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