Dennis Wilson, an unarmed black man, was not shot today. The unarmed 45 year-old father of 2 made world headlines when he managed not to get fired upon for a full 24 hours. "I got home from jogging in the park, unarmed, and there wasn't even a single bullet in my back," said Dennis.
Local police were equally surprised by the non-shooting. "I don't know how we overlooked this," said Police Captain Clement Bookman, "We've shot at least one unarmed black man every day for the last two years, without fail. My officers must be going soft or something."
"This breaks our record shooting streak," said Sergeant Braxton Swagger (acquitted last year for shooting an unarmed black man). "That puts us in fourth place, way behind Cleveland, Ferguson, and Baltimore."
Experts aren't sure if this portends a real sea-change in shootings of unarmed black men, or if today was just an anomaly. However, one thing is for sure: Dennis Wilson is having dinner with his family tonight, his body totally free of bullet holes.
Some citizens are not pleased with this sudden downturn. "A beloved American tradition could vanish if we don't embrace our fear and hate," said Pastor Hank Lovejoy. "George Zimmerman would be turning in his grave if he were dead... but he's not dead yet, and he's still shooting people."
Unarmed black man Dennis Wilson sees a glimmer of hope on the horizon. "I may even go out tomorrow, unarmed. Perhaps to the grocery store, or even to the gym, or Starbucks. Bring it on!" Dennis was advised to purchase unarmed black man insurance before venturing out of his home
History was made again today in Brazil, when 20,000 acres of virgin rain forest were not slashed and burned. And in Ukraine, a volley of artillery shells wasn't fired. And in Syria, no one was set on fire or beheaded.
"This is a travesty," complained news anchor Kevin Dramaqueen. "If all this happiness spreads any further, I'll be out of a job!"
||Anti News ©2015 Chris Hume