April 22, 2115: Final plans are underway to move New York City to higher ground by Saturday to avoid being submerged by the rapidly rising Atlantic Ocean. The financial and commercial hub of America will soon fill an empty lot just south of Denver, where it should remain safe and dry for a little while.
"We probably should have recycled more," said New Yorker Charles Winthrop, "in fact that empty beer can floating by our penthouse balcony looks like one of mine from last year."
The sheer cost of transporting a major city across the country will be staggering. "I don't know who's going to pay for it ," said Energy Secretary Brent Stumpwroth. "We'll just bill it to our kids."
Experts have long warned that the effects of climate change would melt the ice caps and drown large cities like New York. "I guess 'climate change' didn't sound scary enough," said Albert Langtree of the Ministry of Scary Phrases. "In hindsight, we should have used 'global super nightmare' or 'cataclysmic death storm'. Folks might have gotten off their asses and done something about it."
"Yeah, climate change sounded almost normal," admitted homeowner Sandy Mullins. "So I just went to the store and bought a more expensive windbreaker."
But as the world sinks, conservatives are doubling down on denial.
"Oh come on!" said Calvin Hogwash of the Center for Truthiness.
"Just because we've lost a quarter of our land mass and half of
our cities doesn't mean it's real!"
Most of Brooklyn, Queens, the Bronx and Staten Island are already underwater, and great for scuba-diving. "I found a vintage taxi cab eighty feet down!" said excited salvage hunter Sledge Hawkins. Portions of the city that are still above the water line (and above the poverty line) are now being airlifted to Colorado. The Upper East Side, Gramercy Park, Soho and Tribeca will soon be suburbs of Denver.
And so, The Big Apple is about to become the Mile High City's newest neighbor. But Denver residents are a bit apprehensive. "We already have Miami to the north, L.A to the east, and Washington DC over there across the Interstate," said irritated Denver native Hutch McTibbets. "Adding New York to the mix is going to make for one hell of a traffic jam."
||Anti News ©2015 Chris Hume