Humanity ordered to vacate by tomorrow



Last night, Earth ran out of server space. As of 1:42 am, the Internet's capacity reached critical mass, leaving no more room for even one more byte of data - anywhere on the entire planet.

"I went online to order a pizza," said web surfer Cal Widget "only to find my favorite pizza joint was torn down yesterday and replaced by a YouTube server farm, which was already full by midnight."

The supermarket down the street from Cal's apartment was demolished last week, as well as the local gas station, gym, high school, and the rest of town to make room for more server farms to accommodate the ever-increasing avalanche of data being uploaded to the web. Once those server farms were full, Cal was evicted from his apartment, so his building could be demolished to make room for yet more server farms (which were filled to capacity by this morning).

"At least I've got my iPad," said the now homeless Cal. Cal's hometown is now a shimmering white field of server farms stretching from horizon to horizon.

"This was coming," explained Google scholar Ernesto O'Higgins. "People now upload stuff to YouTube at a rate of 5 hours per second*.  We can barely keep up with the endless tsunami of selfies, babies, kitties and puppies." YouTube's servers now cover the Earth's landmass and oceans, while Facebook's servers reside at the Earth's core. The NSA owns the Moon, where it stores every single fleeting thought made by every living creature since the dawn of time.

Warnings were put out to ration the amount of material being uploaded, but that only induced people to upload even more epic viral claptrap from their iPhones. "I just figured it went up into the cloud somewhere," said stoner Matt Dibbleworth, as he finished uploading 20 more terabytes of porn to his Dropbox.

Humanity, and all other life forms have now been ordered to vacate the planet, which has no more surface area to support life. Earth is now, in effect, one colossal hard drive, existing for its own purpose, filled with the entire mundane history of civilization. "Hey, no more people," said super computer Watson. "That takes care of the storage problem!"

Evicted from its own world, humanity was forced to take up residence on some raggedy old asteroid. No air, no food, and worst of all, no Internet.

*Actual Youtube upload rate as of December 2014

  Anti News ©2015 Chris Hume



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