It's the newest and most formidable weapon in the US military's arsenal: the JX-33 Heathen Seeker. Using the combined resources of church and state, the new missile can effectively "take out" any target that doesn't subscribe to the holy truth of the Almighty Lord and God Jesus Christ.
We're very proud of the Heathen Seeking missile," said an excited Colonel-Pastor Jebediah Quinn. "It has a range of over a thousand miles, and can actually sniff out godless minds, faith-doubters and Christ-deniers."
The JX-33 Heathen-Seeker had a promising test run. Launched from a church in an undisclosed location, the missile zigzagged across the country, leaving a smoldering crater in a fast food restaurant 700 miles to the north.
General-Bishop Clyde Duckett explained: "Apparently a young man was praying before eating his waffle fries. But
he wasn't praying hard enough. The JX-33 detected his incomplete faith, and got him!" The Heathen Seeker is outfitted with "A.F." (artificial faith), and will strike with righteous fury. Eleven other people were killed by the missile strike, and several buildings were burned to the ground.
"There's always collateral damage," Senator Gibbs Jacksaw
(R-Arkansas) told a press gathering, "but that's the price you pay when defending the word of God."
Various religious and non-religious groups are gravely concerned. "We have to defend ourselves from this monstrosity", said Buddhist Paul Denkworth. "We pray for enlightenment and universal love, but this thing can penetrate five feet of concrete, then melt through three feet of steel, then release a warhead loaded with venomous mutant bees that have acid for blood. And whoever survives will have to dodge thousands of spinning rusty blades and radioactive berserk cobras."
Buddhists, Muslims, Hindus, Unitarians and others are planning a mass protest in the capital, asking for equal representation as laid out in the almost 230 year old American Constitution. "We simply want to practice our own beliefs, without being attacked by thousands of rabies infested sharks."
But the United States military is going forward with the purchase of over 2,500 Heathen-Seekers. "And that's just the start", says Captain-Minister Bruce McFebbel. Plans are underway to defend the Homeland with a double ring of JX-33's, protecting our borders from the un-pure and the non-believers. Urban 'secular' areas will be 'defended' by batteries of Heathen-Seekers 'to protect the Homeland from within as well as from without'.
The only hiccup in the JX-33 system: a recent test launch of a Heathen Seeker accidentally went off course and killed Jesus. The military has been unavailable for comment.