Last week, Joyce Silverman read a story posted on Facebook about a deranged office worker who snorted five cartridges of ink-toner, set himself on fire, then jumped off of a twenty-story building, landing in a schoolyard like a blazing bloody meteor. Joyce was so horrified, that she "liked" it and shared it with all her friends.
Then on Saturday, Cormac Wiffleton read an infuriating piece about Wall Street executives who receive enormous bonuses while clubbing seals on the taxpayers' dime. After "liking" it, Cormac posted it on his wall, where it went viral, receiving over 150,000 more "likes" by evening.
"Something's wrong here," explained Cormac Wiffleton, "I read something that disgusts me, and my only choice is to like it? Come on! We need a new button!"
Last week, Facebook finally introduced the "Hate" button. It's simple: when you see a headline or article that makes you want to pull out your hair and scream at the sky, just "hate" it!
"It's about time!" said a relieved Joyce Silverman. "Now I can truly express my deepest darkest rage at all the injustices of the world with the mere push of a button!"
A headline posted this morning about cannibal lawyers who sue their victims and then eat them, while getting lap dances from under-age strippers received over twenty thousand hates in one hour. Another story on Donald Trump's hairpiece got over a million hates by sundown.
This "like" button which, until now, was the official currency of status and validation throughout the world, may be on the verge of extinction. "I would check my iPhone every five minutes to see how well "liked" I was", said shitty writer Jared Kinko. "Now I check it every thirty seconds to see how "hated" I am".
But what about the vast quantity of content out there that is just too boring to hate? Good news. Facebook just unveiled the "Who gives a shit" button last night.
The new button came just in time. This morning, Sherry Witherborn posted an article about her Chihuahua, Pickles, and his bladder infection. The thirty page run-on sentence went viral, receiving over twenty million "who gives a shits" within one hour.
"I've finally achieved my lifelong dream," exclaimed a joyful Ms. Witherborn. "Absolutely nobody gives a shit about me."
||Anti News ©2015 Chris Hume