In less than ten years, the obscure, leafy vegetable known as Kale has experienced an unheard-of surge in popularity. The crunchy, nutrient rich green has gone from a health food oddity to a household word, surpassing other favorites such as spinach, cauliflower, broccoli, and even Kale's arch-rival, Swiss chard.
"This isn't fair," complained Swiss chard (also a nutritious leafy green), "I have a proven record as a healthy yet satisfying vegetable experience. And I've been around since your grandmother was in diapers!"
"This is not about 'fair'," explained Kaitlyn Kalesworth, Kale's publicist "it's about smart marketing, out-of-the-box thinking, and reaching a younger, hipper target audience. Kale is the new black! It's not your grandmother's dish anymore!"
This comment really pissed off Swiss chard. "Whatever! It's only a fad. This whole kale-craze will blow over, and I'll be king again. And I'll kick Kale's ass to Kingdom Come!
But Kale's rock-star status just kept growing, as Swiss chard looked on with seething bewildered envy: kale smoothies, kale chips, kale dog food, kale ice cream, even kale toothpaste and kale enemas are now lining America's shelves. "Look, you've either got it, or you don't," said a cocksure Kale as he sped off in his convertible Corvette.
Meanwhile, Swiss chard's ratings continued to plummet, even falling below that of the much-despised Brussels sprout. "Come on, eat me!" wailed a desperate Swiss chard, fanning out his floppy oversized leaves like a streetwalker. "Pour anything you want on me. Toss me around! Swallow me whole!" But no one paid any attention.
"Get over it," said Kale, from his Malibu jumbo Jacuzzi. "Nobody wants a Swiss chard martini or a bowl of Swiss chard Jello. I guess you just have a lousy publicist!"
But Kale's karma was quick to come around. Only a week after buying his own personal island with its own vineyard and heliport, Kale paled when he read the headlines:
"The Double-Swiss-Chard-Grease-Burger With Whale Bacon.
America's New Sweetheart!"
Swiss Chard swaggered up to Kale, covered in bling. "Eat it, Kale! Next week, I got a gig with two slices of veal and a stack of soggy waffles." Suddenly, Swiss Chard was living large, and Kale couldn't pay the mortgage. "What can I say?" Chard said to a stunned Kale, "it's a vegetable-eat-vegetable world."