Christy McBumble sped through another stop sign, as she always does. Last week, however, she finally got pulled over by the cops. She became defiant, and was charged with resisting an officer. "I refuse to obey these heathen stop signs," she explained, "They are the work of the Devil. In all good conscience, I must speed through every intersection, or I will go to Hell."
Christy claimed that obeying stop signs is a dire threat to her religious freedom. She has now become an overnight media sensation. Crowds of supporters rallied outside her jail cell, chanting "God Hates Stop Signs!" and "Christy McBumble for President!"
"It's only a matter of time before she mows down a bunch of pedestrians," said the arresting officer William Pitt. "and she probably shouldn't be driving a gas truck for a living."
"Everyone else obeys stop signs," said outraged citizen Adam Jenkins. "This woman endangers everyone when she blindly speeds her fully loaded gas truck through crowded intersections every day. It's just wrong."
"It may be wrong to you, but it's my right," retorted Christy in a prime time prison interview. "No one's going to trample my religious freedom and force me to commit a cardinal sin because of your secular humanist laws!"
Christy's team of lawyers requested a court injunction to release Christy and put her back on the road by high noon. "Faith trumps safety in the eyes of God," explained Clarence Cheesewood, Christy McBumble's lawyer, "if you take away my client's freedom, you take away America's freedom!!"
Christy has now been on a hunger strike for almost thirty minutes while in prison. "I would rather die for my Lord than stop, and look both ways." she said to a frenzied press. #PrayTheStopSignsAway is the viral tweet of the week. Her victim status has sparked a backlash across the country, with angry mobs tearing millions of stops signs out of the ground in support their new hero, Christy McBumble.
"America's road system is becoming deadly roulette wheel," said a visibly worried crossing guard. "We face a possible Trafficopalypse by Monday morning!" Roadside fatalities have already gone up 3000 percent in the last 24 hours. "Hey, we're just doing the Lord's work!" explained mega-hero Christy McBumble.
Meanwhile, a new controversy broke when airline pilot Daniel Pritchett refused to stop texting while flying a fully loaded 747. "Texting while flying a jumbo jet is an act of faith!" he texted, just before he slammed the plane into a mountainside and everybody went to Heaven.
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Anti News ©2020 Chris Hume |
Based on reality: Pennsylvania woman drove into oncoming traffic to "test her faith", police say (Jan 20, 2020)
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