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BREAKING ANTI NEWS!

GLOBAL WARMING
IS A FAIRY TALE

ACCORDING TO UNDERWATER
FLORIDA LAWMKERS

 

 
 
Once again, the Florida State Legislature issued a statement confirming that global warming is an overblown fairy tale. The press conference was held in their underwater lair 150 feet beneath the Atlantic Ocean. "We're not budging from our position, just because some water flooded our offices, as well as our city, our state, our country, and most of the world's coastlines," explained Florida House Speaker Vince Pombo, "we stand resolute on this issue."
 
Fresh air tanks were brought down to the lawmakers' chambers so they could continue their legislative session. "It has only been eight years since our fair city went below the water line," said state senator Samuel Gaptooth, "and we shall re-emerge when the Lord sees fit!"
 
Governor Hank Blount III posed for a selfie as a school of jellyfish floated by.  "They're kind a nuisance when they drift through my office and latch on to my hairpiece," he said.
 
According to the residents of this now submerged state, this is nothing more than an insignificant weather blip. In fact, a new law was passed making the phrase "rising sea level" a crime. "Certain terms are permitted, such as 'wet phase', and 'damp period'," explained Governor Blount. Punishment for uttering the phrase "rising sea level": no air for one week.
 
All restaurants are closed now, because it's impossible to eat underwater. Cars and trucks have long since floated away, and all children must swim to school in their own SCUBA gear. 
 
Sporting events like football and baseball are also postponed until further notice, because throwing and catching balls underwater doesn't really work. However, new activities have become popular. Families flock to the annual "barnacle scrape" at Disneyworld, and deep sea garbage diving is all the rage in Miami Beach.
 
And so life goes on beneath the waves. Yesterday, the state lawmakers passed a new measure, rewriting history by declaring that Florida has always been underwater since the beginning of time. And then yesterday, a cruise ship up on the surface snagged Florida's main air supply hose in its propeller blades, and the whole state drowned.


  Anti News ©2015 Chris Hume


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