March 22, 2057:
Last month, the Global Positioning System (or GPS) went offline. The all-important ring of 24 satellites, which encircles the Earth and controls everything we do, sputtered and died. Within minutes, humanity imploded... unable to find its way down the street, tie its shoes, brush its hair, or wipe its butt. "We have no way of determining the exact time of the GPS failure, since all clocks are GPS-based," explained Professor Jared Fillmore "From now on, we'll have to tell time based on the shadows cast by Stonehenge."
The now defunct GPS provided everything from navigation to communication to the closest Starbucks location. Billions of humans are now walking in tiny circles, eyes glazed over, waiting for an answer from above.
"Without the God-like presence of GPS, we shall be cast all the way back to the early 1990s," said cyber-sociologist Gene McGarr. "No one can survive in such a primitive environment. We face the grim prospect of extinction."
Indeed, cars are driving off of bridges, planes are falling out of the sky, and people can't even find their mouths with a fork.  "If this is what 1995 was like, take me now Lord!" said high school senior Jack Wallace, as he jogged face-first into a wall.
Since the early 2020's, society has come to depend on GPS for even the most basic of life's needs. "How the hell am I supposed to brush my teeth?" said a visibly panicked Ross Gaffney. "My GPS toothbrush died and there's no customer service." Ross' teeth fell out yesterday. "The GPS took out my garbage, washed my armpits and swallowed my food," said a filthy, malnourished Ted Winkle. "My GPS toilet flusher went offline like a month ago!" said helpless citizen Candy Nelson, who never learned how to flush a real toilet. Excrement, garbage and corpses are now piled into drifts twenty feet high in cities across the world.
But what caused the sudden cataclysmic collapse of our infallible GPS? "We're still trying to access the damage," said GPS expert Kenneth Spaceman, "It could be a solar flare, or aliens, or a terrorist attack, or maybe just a software glitch. Unfortunately, all of our damage-measuring equipment is GPS-based, so we basically have no fucking idea."
Meanwhile, Stonehenge cast its long shadow, signaling the onset of the winter season. "I guess it's time to go hunting and gathering," said Janice Wentworth, mother of two. "If only I remembered how."

  Anti News ©2015 Chris Hume



sign up for weekly ANTI NEWS bulletins!
For Email Newsletters you can trustt