Introducing the most expensive cup of coffee in the world; pricing in at just over $75,000, it consists of hot water, ground coffee beans, cream, and a little sugar in a Styrofoam cup. But what makes this seemingly average cup of coffee so astronomically expensive?
Our customer, Bruce Jerkins of San Diego, purchased the extravagant drink on his way to work one morning. Mr. Jerkins, a realtor, was really craving a hot cup of coffee with cream and sugar, even though he was late for work. Anticipating how that hot java would feel sliding down his throat, Bruce got distracted and blew through a stop sign. A cop pulled him over. Now, late for work and with no coffee, Bruce felt like the victim of some horrible plan to ruin his life. It only made sense that Bruce should assert himself to the cop in a loud, belligerent and incoherent manner. He was ticketed for rolling a stop sign and charged with resisting a police officer. His $2.95 cup of coffee now cost him $2250 plus court fees.
Bruce missed a day of work while he was booked and later released, which brought the price of his coffee up another $550. Angry and bewildered at the injustice of the world, Bruce tore up his citation and burned it. He missed his court date. A warrant was issued for his arrest. Several weeks later, Bruce got pulled over for expired tags (he forgot to renew his registration) and was arrested for contempt of court while also being ticketed for not re-registering his vehicle. The additional cost: $7500.
Bruce was processed and fingerprinted, and sentenced to a month in jail. His attorney managed to get him out after a week, for an additional $8000. Out of work, and with a criminal record, Bruce started drinking. He went on a bender, getting into a brawl at a local bar. He then drove through a storefront window on the way home. The DUI cost $10,000. Along with the damage to the storefront and the 20 stitches to his forehead, his cup of coffee now cost $62,000.
Bruce was court ordered to a half-year of anger management classes, and had his driver's license suspended for three years. He lost all of his clients, because he needed his car to do business. By the time his cup of coffee topped out at $75,000, he was living in a cardboard box under a bridge, prostituting himself on darkly lit streets for food. Today, Bruce travels to schools and prisons, where he counsels others on the cautionary tale of overpriced coffee (which he never actually drank).
Next week: The billion dollar bottle of water. From Mars.

  Anti News ©2015 Chris Hume



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