Last week, Congress officially declared the "birthday" illegal. In its place, families are now required to celebrate "Conception Day". "This is a major victory for unborn people," explained Pastor Scranton Lovejoy, "Conception is when life truly begins. So from this day forward, Americans will be required to celebrate the anniversary of the moment that daddy ejaculated into mommy."
When President Ted Cruz signed Conception Day into law, the birthday became history. "Finally, Congress did something heroic!" said fetal rights supporter Doug Flopman. "No more heathen birthday parties staining the moral history of our great land!"
"Frankly, the whole 'birthday' idea was an insult to pre-natal citizens everywhere" explained Sen. Hank Phippen (R) Florida. "Our strapping young son is now 8 months old. So when he pops his head out of mommy's vagina next month, it will just be another humdrum day in his childhood, like getting his first zit."
For millennia, snipping the umbilical cord had been the official yardstick for measuring human age. Now, anyone caught celebrating birth or even possessing birthday paraphernalia can be imprisoned for obstructing religious freedom. "We have truckloads of birthday cards and birthday hats that we cannot sell," said distressed storeowner Paul Kropp. Massive anti-birthday bonfires burned across America to erase all evidence of birthday culture. And in its place, Americans will now be eating Conception cake, blowing out Conception candles, and opening Conception presents, in accordance with Biblical Law.
Conception Day has also created a bureaucratic nightmare. Almost three hundred million drivers' licenses and passports must be re-issued, and all birth certificates must be dated back nine months. But in spite of the confusion, Conception Day has a lot of support. "I took a selfie of my wife and me as I ejaculated into her," said proud father James Smeckly. "and the picture will be taped to the fridge to remind our child of the sacred moment he came into this world."
Major holidays will have to be changed as well. Workers will now be celebrating the day Martin Luther King Jr. was conceived. Christmas will also be moved back nine months to March 25, to celebrate the conception of our Lord Jesus Christ (except for Europe and the rest of the world).
A new poll shows that 90% of unborn citizens support the new law. "Screw birth!" said fetus Janet Wilmont. However, business is bad for storeowners like Paul Kropp. "We're stuck with millions of illegal birthday hats, and we can't pay the rent." In order to feed his family, Mr. Kropp performs as a Conception Clown at kids' parties.