Last week, the Supreme Court officially declared the "birthday" illegal. In its place, families are now required to celebrate "Conception Day". "This is a major victory for the pre-born," cheered Pastor Fortright Manwich, "From this day forward, Americans will be required to celebrate the anniversary of the moment daddy ejaculated into mommy."

"Frankly, the whole 'birthday' idea was an insult to pre-natal citizens everywhere" explained Sen. Hank Phippen (R) Florida. "Our strapping young son is now 8 months old. So when he pops his head out of mommy's vagina next month, it will just be another humdrum day in his childhood, like getting his first zit."

For millennia, snipping the umbilical cord had been the official yardstick for measuring human age. Now, anyone caught celebrating birth or even possessing birthday paraphernalia can be imprisoned for obstructing religious freedom. Massive anti-birthday bonfires burned across America to erase all evidence of birthday culture. And in its place, Americans will now be eating Conception cake, blowing out Conception candles, and opening Conception presents, in accordance with Biblical Law.

Conception Day has also created a bureaucratic nightmare. Almost three hundred million drivers' licenses and passports must be re-issued, and all birth certificates must be dated back nine months. But in spite of the confusion, Conception Day has a lot of support. "I took a selfie of my wife and me as I ejaculated into her," said proud father James Smeckly. "and the picture will be taped to the fridge to remind our 15th child of the sacred moment he came into this world."

Major holidays will have to be changed as well. Workers will now be celebrating the day Martin Luther King Jr. was conceived. Christmas will also be moved back nine months to March 25, to celebrate the conception of our Lord Jesus Christ (which almost coincides with the day he was crucified).

A new poll shows that 100% of pre-born citizens support the new law. "Screw birth!" said fetus Janet Wilmont. However, business is bad for store owners like Paul Kropp. "We're stuck with millions of illegal birthday hats and birthday cards. We can't sell them and we can't pay the rent." In order to feed his family, Mr. Kropp performs as a Conception Clown at kids' parties.