It is one of the most horrifying forms of torture ever devised. Every nation on earth has banned it. Every country that is, except the United States. "We must reserve the right to protect the homeland," explained General Casey Stone, "even if it means pouring stale bong water over a cloth covering the face and breathing passages of an immobilized captive."
Long reviled by the civilized world, bongwaterboarding continues in the C.I.A.'s secret detention rooms. But Secretary of Torture Judd Block sees no problem with that. "Look, if we can make an individual feel like he's drowning in month-old bong water, then America will be a safer, stronger nation."
Bong water, the rancid fluid that gathers at the bottom of a bong, is the concentrated filtered waste product of prolonged weed-smoking. The longer the water stays in the bong, the more nasty it becomes. The end result is a substance so putrid, it can singe your nostrils and curl your toes from half a block away.
Ten years ago, waterboarding became controversial when U.S. military personnel used the technique on Iraqi prisoners. "It just wasn't working," said Deputy Torture Secretary Donald Trumpsfeld, "so we dialed it up a notch." Tanya Jenkins of Human Rights Watch is outraged at the new policy. "Waterboarding was cruel," she said, "but bongwaterboarding is unspeakably barbaric."
A mere spill of bongwater can make an entire room (or even house) uninhabitable. "Man, if you got a drop of that stuff on my sweater, or my forearm, I'd go out of my mind!" said stoner Matt Schnerr. "I would confess anything, even if it's not true!"
But where does the Department of Torture get its bong water? According to leaked documents, trainloads of the fetid fluid are being shipped from numerous U.S. party campuses, like UC Santa Cruz, Bard and Skidmore. "It really disturbs me that my bongwater could be torturing someone", said Trish Reid, a freshman at Skidmore, "I feel like I'm getting a conflict high."
Last week, a trainload of bongwater overturned and spilled its contents. Several towns were evacuated. Residents were told they won't be able to return home for several years, if at all.
The Secretary of Torture was quick to tamp down fears. "The stuff is totally harmless. I love the smell of bongwater in the morning. Smells like... freedom."