A party celebrating open-carry firearms ended in total carnage last night after a minor dispute. "Everybody died," said horrified witness Emily Blotchett. "One minute, everyone's drinking and dancing, the next minute it sounded like an out-of-control popcorn machine!"
According to security camera footage, one open-carry gun owner spilled beer on another open-carry gun owner's Dallas Cowboys jacket. Angry words were exchanged. The man with the beer-soaked Cowboys jacket unholstered his firearm and emptied it into his opponent's face. Upon hearing the sound of gunfire, all the other open-carry gun owners discharged their weapons in a blizzard of bullets. There were no survivors.
"This comes as no surprise," said gun control activist Tammy Winslow. "Give everyone a gun, and you end up with a pile of dead bodies."
"Liberals are just trying to make this look like a gun problem!" said Braxton Strong of the Key Independent Liberty Lobby (K.I.L.L.). "Those open-carry gun owners were just trying to secure the situation before it spun out of control. So they all shot each other in the head. At least they were exercising their freedom."
"If it happened all over I would have done it again," said lone survivor Judd Sloakum just before expiring from his head wound. "But it's a fact. Guns don't kill people. Bullets kill people."
This drew howls of outrage from the bullet industry. "A bunch of people get shot, and of course everyone blames the bullets!" said Kevin Hogwash of Bullet Users Teaming Together (B.U.T.T.). "Bullets don't kill people. People with beer with guns with bullets kill people!"
A monument is being erected in Washington to honor the heroes of the Open-Carry Massacre. "These men died as patriots, and they will be remembered for their bravery," said the president. "And this is exactly why we need to arm every American, in every football stadium, nursery school, church, hospital, bacnk, gas station, day care center, saloon and casino from coast to coast!"
Also last night, a brawl erupted at a banana cream pie-throwing convention in Las Vegas. One pie-thrower stepped on another pie-thrower's foot. Angry words were exchanged. Within minutes, the entire event ended in a gruesome pile of banana cream pie-splattered victims. Fortunately, there were no fatalities.
