A group of heavily armed embryos stormed a woman's uterus in a small Oregon town Monday. "We're going to stay here as long as it takes," said unborn leader Jake Wigglesworth, "If the doctor tries to pry us out, we'll stand and fight to the death."
Their demands are simple: to create a permanent homeland, where fetuses can live in total freedom from the "born", and have unrestricted access to firearms and limitless ammo. "We have rights!" said Eric, a forty-celled blastocyst, waving a tiny U.S. Constitution in his one-celled hand. "And God will protect us from those totalitarian grown-ups!"
The controversy originated when Bruce Bramble, a two-month fetus, lit his mom's womb on fire in a drunken rampage. He had set up a miniature meth lab inside of her, and it exploded just as police were about to conduct a raid. Now the first-trimester delinquent is being held on arson and drug charges. He is now a hero in the unborn world.
The "Furious Fetuses" as they are now called, have garnered world attention. "A woman's uterus is our home!" explained three-celled Ashley, brandishing her microscopic assault rifle. "We should be able to do as we please within these uterine walls!"
Law enforcement officials are exercising restraint in this tense standoff. "We've had plenty of experience before with little militants," said Agent Darrell Cooper, "and we don't want another baby bloodbath on our hands." The heavily armed gang was told to lay down their weapons and go home to their mothers. But the Furious Fetuses remain holed up in the Oregon uterus, listening to bad country music and snacking from the shared umbilical cord.
More and more unborn children are now sneaking out of their mothers to join the standoff. By late evening, almost three hundred blastocysts, zygotes and embryos had crowded into the uterus. Many were waving teeny "Don't Tread On Me" flags and wearing little cowboy hats. A brawl erupted when a couple of fetuses cheated on a poker game, causing a melee of microscopic mayhem.
"Time out!" exclaimed Janice Bosworth, owner of the uterus. "This is my uterus, not some public playground. Now get out!" Janice swallowed a bottle of Tabasco sauce, and chased it with a dollop of wasabi and a handful of ghost peppers. Within minutes, the Furious Fetuses fell out, and fled home.
