Where do Republicans come from? The question has baffled scientists for decades. But now, there is finally an answer. Combing through data from the latest space probe, researchers at NASA have concluded that Republicans come from the planet Venus.
Venus, the second planet from the sun is a lifeless oven, with global temperatures hovering around 800 degrees. The sun never shines on this dead frying pan of a world, which is shrouded in a perpetual drizzle of boiling sulfuric acid. And yet, new evidence proves that Venus once had an advanced civilization. And they loved their McMansions, their assault rifles, their air-conditioned skyscrapers and their double-wide extreme SUV's.
"The images we've captured are astonishing," said Jared Klimpton of NASA. "Our latest unmanned mission found unmistakable proof that Republicans lived on Venus, which was once a pristine paradise covered with forests, glaciers and oceans. And they totally trashed the living shit out of it."
Enhanced pictures of the scorched Venusian landscape reveal the acid scarred remnants of a Cracker Barrel restaurant. The parking lot is still filled with giant fossilized pickup trucks, and recreational military vehicles with gun racks. A faded bumper sticker, translated by NASA's supercomputer reads: "My carbon footprint is bigger than yours, bitch!"
"This may be the answer to where Republicans came from," said xeno-archeologist Calvin Wentworth. "If we zoom in on this charred desert, you can make out rows of thousands of ancient crumbling smokestacks. Their oceans must have evaporated quickly. Here's one of their supertankers lying on its side, half melted by the 800 degree heat."
One hundred thousand years ago, a runaway greenhouse effect transformed Venus's lush ecosystem into a blistering hellhole, almost overnight. Documents found in burned-out survival shelters indicate that the natives were a proud but dumb race. They believed that their resources were infinite. A fossilized Venusian newspaper article calls climate change a "faggy fetish" and describes efforts to stop the destruction of Venus as a "job killer".
"Their world was boiling right under their noses," explained Venus expert Kevin Peters. "But the natives clung to their excessive lifestyle. They elected morons who eventually brought about the collapse of their civilization. Many believed that 'end times' were pre-ordained in their religious tablets, so there was nothing they could do."
But just as the atmosphere was turning into battery acid, the wealthiest one tenth of one percent fled Venus in a fleet of giant space arks. Their destination: a glorious, untouched blue planet further out from the sun known as Earth. But have they learned their lesson? "What's to learn?" bellowed the Koch Brothers (direct descendants from the aliens on Venus). "God put more oil and coal here for us. And when we're done, we'll just mount Earth in our trophy room alongside Venus."