The Ministry of Time has established of a new "fifth" time zone for the continental United States. The decision is sure to upset flight plans, work schedules and mail delivery throughout the country, but authorities see it as a necessary move to depict "a more accurate" profile of the nation.
The new time zone, known as "Bible Time" will be wedged between the Central and Eastern Time Zones. "When entering Bible Time, everyone will be required to turn their clocks back two thousand years," explained Secretary of Time Reginald Hall. "There will be some jet lag, so bring a comfy neck pillow."
Bible Time will cover a large swath of the Southeastern United States, which includes the Bible Belt and most of Florida. It will also include parts of the Midwest and Central Plains.
Bible Time will go into effect at Sunday at 2:00 a.m. Residents in the affected area are advised to prepare in advance by disposing of all electronic appliances, computers, automobiles, phones, and anything else that wasn't around during Biblical Times.
"Does that mean I won't have any Internet?" asked Doug Smalls of Hawgsville Alabama. "That's right Doug!" said Minister of Time Bruce Moff.  "There was no internet two thousand years ago. But there were plenty of donkeys, camels and crucifixes. Have fun!"
The announcement has frustrated many Americans. "I'm visiting my mom in Tallahassee," said L.A. resident Joel Mandrake, "So I'm supposed to leave my iPhone at home and travel by frigging oxcart? That'll take months!"
"This is the Bible Time Zone!" retorted a proud Hank Dipple of Yazoo City, Mississippi. "Jesus walks among us! Frogs rain from the sky! And slaves are legal again. Got a problem with that? Set your watch ahead a couple thousand years and move to New York!"
And so, America must learn to embrace its new time zone. But aside from no mail, no refrigeration, and no modern medicine, natives of the Bible Time Zone are doing just fine.
"So does Earth now have a 25 hour day?" asked Bible Time Zone resident Matilda Booth.
Actually, it will be a 26 hour day... On the other side of the world, time engineers have also created an "ISIS Time Zone", whereby all residents in the affected area must turn their clocks back to the 7th century A.D.

  Anti News ©2019 Chris Hume