A new trend is hitting the scene in the food world: dirty rotten honesty. Sit down and order a treat at the new E. Coli Café, and brace yourself for a refreshing mouthful of truth. "Here at E. Coli Café, we don't hide our pathogens with spices or condiments," said head chef Hugo Filthman "We serve E. Coli, straight up, no frills!"
Many customers have been reluctant to dine at their favorite eateries in the wake of recent outbreaks. "I loved my Chipotle," explained foodie Reggie Stanton, "but they weren't forthcoming about the gastrointestinal bugs in their burritos. I want to know that I'm going to puke all night before I eat."
The philosophy: rather than work hard to keep the food clean, just be truthful about the filth. This revolutionary idea was championed by venture capitalist Calvin Grubworth, who has opened up a chain of unregulated food outlets. The logo: "High risk, low price!" And the chain is going viral.
"At my restaurants, you get what you see," said a cocksure Grubworth, "or in some cases, too small to see." The menu offers up a diverse selection of tainted foods: E. Coli Pizza (two weeks old), E. Coli Artisan Salad (cellar-warmed), or the ever-popular E. Coli Sockeye Salmon, drizzled in E. Coli cream sauce (left in a hot car for 36 hours). Each customer is guaranteed "explosive diarrhea or your money back!"
E. Coli Café's "dirty truth" policy has won over millions of freedom-loving customers. "Sure, the tacos taste a little funny, and I'm crippled with nausea and fever," said Blake McNabb from his hospital bed, "but at least my food tells it like it is."
In fact, patrons are so loyal, that emergency rooms nationwide are packed 24/7. Shares of E. Coli Café stock have skyrocketed. And Congress is calling for deregulation of sanitation laws. "Health codes are a waste of taxpayers' money!" exclaimed Buck Hornsby (R) FL. "It's a slippery slope. First, they're regulate what you eat, next thing, it's death camps!" Some are even calling for the criminalization of soap.
The War on Filth has galvanized hordes of angry patriots. "It's my body and I'll die if I want to!" exclaimed Jebediah Smoot, between vomitings. And now, E Coli Café has competition. Outhouse Grill offers expired and diseased beef. And Putrid Poultry Pantry is the place to go for undercooked, out-of-date chicken.
The Rotten Food Movement came to an end last week when a particularly rancid batch of pulled pork infected the entire country, and everyone died of trichinosis.
But at least everyone died free.