It's a discovery that will forever change the way we see the universe. And it could also be the final answer to where all our lost keys have gone. Several months ago, astronomers confirmed the discovery of a strange new planet orbiting a star 750 light years away. Known as Ralph-Desmond 8, this small insignificant world has baffled scientists with properties that go against all the laws of physics.
"Apparently, this tiny planet is the place where all of our lost car keys end up," explained quantum-physicist Jared Horplestein. "After years of intense research, we now have indisputable evidence that millions, perhaps even billions of misplaced car and house keys are accumulating on this distant world." High resolution spectral imagery shows vast dunes on the surface of Ralph-Desmond 8, made up of countless lost keys and other mysteriously misplaced objects from Earth.
"I've been looking for my damn car keys for an hour!" said angry motorist Kevin McClabb, "I just had them in my pocket. And they simply vanished! What the hell?"
The "pocket-wormhole" is one of numerous plausible theories to explain how stuff gets lost. "The tiniest dimensional portals exist," explained professor Oscar Twillum, "such as a torn pants-pocket, or a purse that's not properly zipped up." Some theorists believe that such openings in space-time exist under couch cushions, behind refrigerators, even between car seats, where human hands cannot fit. However, nothing larger than a burrito can be transported to the Planet of Lost Things.
"What about my debit card?" asked frustrated consumer Allison Bamba. "It was in my pocketbook only two minutes ago. Now it's gone." And in New Jersey, stoner Frank Gibbons spent almost 90 minutes looking for his TV remote. "I looked in the same place over and over like twenty times. And still, nothing."
"We know this stuff isn't just getting swept under the bed with the dust bunnies," explained Professor Twillum. "Planet Earth is losing 50 to 75 pounds of mass each day, in the form of wallets, toothbrushes, dog leashes, hairclips, earrings, pens, cellphone chargers and yes... car keys. It all pops out of existence here and reappears in the sky over there, where it falls onto an ever-growing mountain of lost possessions.
And so, Planet Ralph-Desmond 8 continues to collect our lost stuff. "I bet my left sock is over there somewhere," said Ralph Desmond, the amateur astronomer who discovered the Planet of Lost Things. And indeed, somewhere near a valley of ballpoint pens, by a hillside of cigarette lighters, deep in a canyon of mismatched socks, lies a black and red argyle knee-high sock, belonging to Ralph Desmond.
