Early this morning, eight-year old Timothy Wolf created a black hole in suburban Chicago when he googled Google. The powerful search engine collapsed into an infinite loop, as it tried to find itself. The resulting chain reaction set into motion a death vortex that will swallow the entire universe if no solution is found.
"We never factored in what would happen if someone googled Google," said Google executive Champ Whitmore. "We should have put in a fail-safe mechanism. Now we're basically fucked."
The impending cosmic collapse sent Americans into a frenzy of panic buying. "I don't know what I'm going to do with a thousand beanbag chairs," said stress-consumer Joyce Hayward, "but panic buying makes me feel better." Joyce then tore the "do not remove" tag off one of her beanbag chairs, which set into motion another wave of calamity.
Fountains of magma erupted through the sidewalk, and swarms of mutant frogs buried the city. "I swear, I'll never tear another tag off again!" said a frantic Joyce as she was dragged away by the tag-removal police, and put in tag-removal jail.
And as if that wasn't enough, 25 year-old Stanley Wink forgot to turn off his cell phone during a flight from L.A. to Boston. The jet immediately lost all contact with the outside world, and started doing barrel rolls over the Bermuda Triangle. By the time Stanley finished texting his girlfriend, the plane landed on a glacier 24,000 years ago. "Whoops," tweeted an embarrassed Stanley, "I'll turn my phone off next time."
Meanwhile, as Google technicians scrambled to stop the massive search engine from swallowing itself (along with the rest of the cosmos), a transgender woman walked into the woman's bathroom in a North Carolina truck stop. She was tackled to the ground, and all bathrooms statewide were put on lockdown until further notice. A new law now requires all humans to "show their junk" to a security guard before entering any public restroom. "Now the world's a better place", said Minister of Religious Freedom Daryl Suckback. "At least until Armageddon."
And then, just before all of space-time was sucked out of existence, little Timothy Wolf hit the "back" button on his browser, undoing his Google search of Google. The black hole vomited the universe back into existence. Joyce was released from tag jail. Stanley and his fellow passengers returned from the ice age, landing safely in Boston. And all the bathrooms in North Carolina re-opened, to all genders.
"Too bad," said a disappointed Religious Freedom Minister Suckback, "We'll get it right the next time."
