Yesterday, the government decided to increase its Peace Threat to Level 4, the second highest on the Peace Threat scale.
"We've picked up chatter on the internet indicating a very real threat to our unstable, uneducated and fearful society," explained General Casey Drillman. "There might even be peaceful sleeper cells living right amongst us."
The possibility of a peace attack on U.S. soil sent stocks plummeting earlier today. Investors got the jitters, squirreling away their money in the hopes that future conflict and bloodshed would stabilize the economy.
A panicked weapons industry hired a marketing team to "peace up" their image for the public. "It just wouldn't be Christmas without a Naval Carrier Battle Group in your stocking" reads one billboard. And later this month, the Conflict Bunny will be handing out little chocolate grenades and peanut butter bullets as part of the War on Peace education effort.
"Peace is a job killer. If we don't crack down, peace will cripple America," President Donald Trump said to a joint session of Congress, "So today, we are officially declaring war on peace."
"The War on Peace will galvanize this country, and set us on a path to victory," explained Minister of Violence Braxton Hatchett. "We're a fractured, angry nation, and no gang of high-minded peace freaks are going to put us back together!"
The Peace Threat Alert has been kept at a moderate "three" for over a year now. Peace alert three (Simmering) means that citizens should always be on edge; on the lookout for ominous signs of awareness, compassion and reason. But now, with the Peace Threat dialed up to "four", Americans are advised to get in touch with their "inner asshole" and take to the streets with tire irons and baseball bats.
"The sensitive enlightened barbarians are already at the gates!" exclaimed Violence Minister Hatchett.
And what it would take to raise the Peace Threat to Level 5? "That would be total Peace-ageddon!" he said. "America would be brought to its knees by rational evolved thought. A tsunami of tolerance from which we would never recover. But let's not entertain such nightmare scenarios. Peace out!"