In a landmark decision, Congress voted itself out of existence on Tuesday. The GOP majority declared it a resounding victory not just for "less government", but for "no government at all".
"It's clear that we don't need to exist", said ex House Rep. Stanley Dimplespoon (R) Florida, "but rather than be voted out by our constituents, we're voting ourselves out first."
The vote was split right down party lines. Democrats tried in vain to vote themselves back into existence, citing the need to keep the country running. However, Congress was voided at 2:00 am, so every single lawmaker evaporated overnight.
Next week, the old Capitol building in Washington D.C. will be converted into a Starbucks, a Bed Bath & Beyond, and a CrossFit ® training center. A shiny new sign reads: "Hot squat-thrusts under the Capitol Dome!"
The abrupt disappearance of Congress added a couple of hiccups to the domestic situation. All funds stopped flowing to every public sector, from police and fire departments, to road repair, to Social Security benefits. But citizens were too excited to notice. "Freedom means the freedom to be free!" said Dallas Jugfoot, as he watched his house burn to the ground.
The "no-need-to-exist" movement continued to gain traction as forty-three state legislatures also voted themselves out of existence. "Government just gets in the way," said Texas state senator Cal Bibberton just as he vanished into thin air, "unfortunately, that means we can't patrol the public bathrooms anymore."
But where did they go? Actually, the former lawmakers re-materialized onto a small remote island with no outside communications and no sustainable food supply. However a reality TV crew was on hand, capturing the juicy drama as the stronger lawmakers ate the weaker lawmakers, until only a vastly bloated Mitch McConnell remained. "Finally," he belched from a hilltop of bones, "no more gridlock!"