"It's about time!" said proud bigot Clarence Hazelfoot, "George Wallace has been lost in the dusty pages of history. And now, this great white patriot will adorn the five-dollar bill, so future generations can remember his legacy."
The bigot community was outraged by the announcement that African American freedom hero Harriet Tubman is replacing Andrew Jackson on the new twenty-dollar bill. "Jackson was my role model," said Braxton Stubbs of the former slave owner and Indian killer, "I will never spend another twenty-dollar bill again!"
Bigots nationwide celebrated the announcement of the new George Wallace five-dollar bill. "This makes up for the whole twenty-dollar bill travesty" explained Professor of Advanced Bigotry Judd Slokum, "and frankly, Abraham Lincoln has overstayed his welcome." Many bigots feel that Lincoln is "out of touch" with the current Republican Party, citing his role in ending the Civil War, uniting the country, and bringing freedom to millions of slaves.
"Wallace wasn't just a bigots' rights activist," explained Slokum of the former Alabama governor. "He also loved mud wrestling and could put away a 72 ounce steak in under three minutes." A new bio-pic starring James Woods as the bellicose bigot is in production now, set for release on the same day as the new five-dollar bill.
However, George Wallace wasn't the only one considered to replace Lincoln. A short list of runner-up bigots for the five-dollar bill included Sarah Palin, Donald Trump, David Duke, and Ted Nugent. "We just figured a dead white guy would be the best bet for the money," said Treasury Secretary Jefferson Davis Jr.
The new "Wallace-Five" will be coming soon to an ATM near you. Please note, it will not be accepted in any stores, markets, restaurants, casinos, gas stations, bus stations, strip clubs, tollbooths, car washes or anywhere else in America.