The bad news: It looks like curtains for Yellowstone National Park. The good news: cheap gas for at least another a year and a half. After discovering a vast pool of untapped petroleum beneath Yellowstone, oil companies are scrambling for a piece of the jackpot.
The inconvenient placement of the oil reserve (beneath a natural treasure unique in the world) made little difference to the energy industry. Plans are already being drawn up to carve the park into a sprawling complex of drilling sites, oil refineries and tank farms.
"This is an unprecedented find", said oil executive Scrubbs Bigman. "We're all sad to see Yellowstone go, but when it comes to preserving the American Way of Life, we've got to make sacrifices."
Experts believe almost three million barrels lie under the pristine landscape, also known as 'overburden'. That far exceeds the amount needed to justify clearing away the wildlife and geysers and mountains.
Dallas family man Winston Cruthers was adamant: "We're not giving up our Ford Excursion just so some deers and rabbits can frolic through some forest. God put that oil there for a reason, so why should we let it go to waste?"
"It was a stupid place to put a national park", exclaimed truck driver Buford Skinner, "Oil means jobs, they’ve got zoos for things like bears and mooses! Show me a complainer, and I'll show you a marxist treasonist homosexeral."
Several environmental groups expressed discontent at the removal of Yellowstone National Park. But the oil industry showed its human side by saying that it "cared". A DVD virtual tour of the soon to be former Yellowstone will be given away free with every purchase of forty gallons of gasoline. Chevron executive Lawton Squidworth feels it's the right thing. "That way, our children will be able to remember nature and still drive an Ford F-350 Super Duty."