Janice Gridley is an athletic young 30-year old woman. She doesn't smoke or drink, and maintains a healthy, organic diet. But due to a post-existing condition, Janice's health care policy was abruptly declined.
"It's clear that Janice will develop some sort of illness in the near-to-far future," explained Kevin Snoutworth of HealthWorks, "and this would put an undue financial burden upon us. Therefore we cannot underwrite her policy."
Janice was somewhat shocked by the rejection. "I've never been sick. I have no injuries. I'm your dream candidate. What the hell?"
"Post-existing conditions range from broken hips, to dementia, to loss of teeth, to kidney failure to just plain old age," said Mr. Snoutworth, "the fact is, everybody has a post-existing condition. Is that our problem? I don't think so."
Ever since Obamacare became law, (which allows individuals with pre-existing conditions to keep their health plans) the health industry has been scrambling for a way to make up for lost revenue. "Dumping people because they'll eventually be sick will save us trillions!" declared a health care executive from his trophy mansion.
The controversial new rejection method has streamlined the industry. "Of course you can keep your coverage," said WellnessForever President Chad Fuckman, "All you have to do is not get injured, and never get sick. And don't die. Ever."
And so, Janice Gridley must make do with no health coverage. "Dear Janice", her rejection letter reads, "It has come to our attention that you will probably die in forty to fifty years, preceded by some sort of expensive illness that no one can afford. Good luck in your future endeavors."
But there is one thing more expensive than life: Death. "Here at DeathWorks, we offer a dignified and luxurious transition for the deceased," explained DeathWorks CEO Drake Withers. "Without a pink marble sarcophagus, your loved one won't get to Heaven. Just give us your house, your car and your family's life savings. Got a problem with that? Don't die."