Chester Hogblimp III is, singularly, the man with the largest carbon footprint on Earth. The amount of resources required to sustain his lifestyle is larger than that of a developed country. His massive fleet of jumbo jets are constantly airborne (loaded with cinder blocks), and his vast arsenal of dump trucks are perpetually idling 24/7. "Face it, my carbon footprint is bigger than yours." said Mr. Hogblimp as he gnawed the gristle off of a whale rib.
The hyper-consumer of everything has enjoyed championship status for decades.  His challenger, Jebediah Slothman, managed to start only thirty forest fires last year, compared to Hogblimp's fifty-seven. "I'm the Carbon Footprint King!" yelled a triumphant Mr. Hogblimp as he drained Lake Superior for a landfill.
Mr. Hogblimp's hobbies include paving over mountain ranges and displacing Indian tribes. "It's a tax write-off," chuckled a confident Hogblimp. He also enjoys strip mining, fracking, trophy hunting and factory farming - when he's not building giant statues of himself out of conflict diamonds and ivory.
"I own seventy-five homes, all mega-mansions," boasted Hogblimp "I always leave the lights on, the AC full blast, the toilets flushing, and the sprinklers running full time. It's what I do." He also has one hundred and forty five sons, all of whom are viciously competing to succeed their father as Carbon Footprint King.  
Hogblimp will be attending his sixty-third son's wedding next week. He decided to make the six hundred mile journey by dynamiting a canal through the Rockies wide enough to accommodate his personal aircraft carrier. "After I arrive, we'll fill it back in with garbage, then set in on fire."
Environmentalists are outraged at Mr. Hogblimp's colossal carbon footprint. "The man eats more food and uses more electricity than all of Western Europe," said Alice Hopewell of Greenpeace. "Suck on my carbon footprint!" yelled a visibly pissed off Hogblimp.
When Chester Hogblimp gets upset, he likes to "blow off a little steam" by climbing into his Caterpillar Super-Dozer and scraping away a few acres of old-growth forest. "Nothing soothes my soul like the crash of a falling sequoia," said Hogblimp, just as he started choking on a seven-pound rump roast.
Luckily, a team of overpaid doctors managed to dislodge the football-sized piece of meat from Hogblimp's throat. "I ain't ready to die," wheezed the Carbon Footprint King, "my work's far from over. I still have ten glaciers to melt and 800 more children to sire."
  Anti News ©2016 Chris Hume



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